DISCLAIMER: I absolutely love elephants. If you do too, and you have a faint heart, do not read below. You were warned.
Skip down farther for part 2, if you have already read the first part.
I felt the sting with every lash as the whip rose and snapped behind the man's head. As the whip came down piercing my skin, I watched the sweat dribble down his nose. It pooled into a small bead in his left nostril. During the split second he reached to wipe the sweat from his nose, I regained my composure to take the next assault. But how long would I survive? My body thrashed in pain, and I hung my trunk low to the ground. It seemed the lower I bent my head, the safer I was, but there was no escaping this, no matter how close to the ground I was. There was no escaping the belittling, abuse and inherent torture that life had handed to me. Again and again, as I was whipped, I cried in agony. I stayed like this for months. For months, I was lost. Not only was I lost, I was hungry, and I was tired. I was scared.
When I was eleven months old, I was taken from captivity. I was ripped away from my mother violently. The only good in my life slashed in half right in front of me. As I think back to my training period, I remember how faint the good days were in my mind. In the very beginning, I saw my mother in my head often. I saw nature and the mountains, and lots of lakes to bathe, swim and play in. As the beatings got tougher, and the elephant hook prodded deeper, those pictures of goodness and happiness faded. I lost myself, I lost the pictures of my mother in my head. I surrendered. I was defeated. I surrendered to the beatings. I surrendered to the men, and I surrendered to ever disobeying again. I was now a trained circus elephant.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Six months had gone by. I had endured six months of hell. Did I have any idea what I'd been dragged into? Did I have any idea of what I had survived? I would never know. All of the brutal training days blurred together in an endless journey to the center of hell. Each horrid memory a step closer to a burning frenzy, where my body evaporated with every thought, like a flesh eating disease. And to think, that it was just the beginning. At least my hind legs were no longer tied to tree trunks. They were now loosely chained to a pen the size of a small automobile. When I tried sitting, the chains sat uncomfortably underneath me, so that my skin grew tough on my upper thigh region on both sides, as the months progressed. In my show days, they would cover my rough skin and scars with colorful paint and capes as to hide all of the inhumane acts I received.
My heart was shattered. Destroyed. My mind. I had absolutely no idea who I was. I was lost and my life had been reduced to nothing. There were other elephants. I watched them from my pen as I stood motionless. Half of them were dazed, stoned like teenage pot smokers. They stood with their trunks hanging low and mouths closed. Their eyes squinting, focusing on everything but nothing, all in the same moment. Others you could put in an insane asylum. I watched as the elephants bobbed their heads up and down, up and down, up and down. Uncontrollably, they swayed back and forth in an uneven rhythm. Whether I was crazy or not. I was unsure. It had become evident that all of us were in a trance, stuck in a life of fogginess that we couldn't break. The humans robbed us of our good spirits and replaced it with gloom.
I feel like my mind is constantly in a clutter of chaos. I like to compare my mind to tangled Christmas tree lights. As frustrating as tangled lights are, even in a jumbled messy ball, the lights are still beautiful. You can tell that the lights have a purpose and even though they are tangled, they are still glowing in defiance. With enough effort and focus if you separate the strands, glowing brilliance is returned to you. I know my mind and thoughts have a purpose. I know that every time I sit down at a computer chair, something inside of me is dying to be written. I believe that, I really do. It's so hard to have patience in straightening out one's mind when all you want to do, is just give up and throw the lights in the corner. There's 1,440 minutes in a day. Who's got time to write on such a beautiful weekend? Check this website out. It's called the One Minute Writer. There are loads of prompts that can be used to help creative juices flow when sometimes you're just stumped.
http://oneminutewriter.blogspot.jp/2008/11/todays-writing-prompt-adult.html I use it often when I just can't focus. The idea is to answer one of the prompts and write for simply one minute. Some days I write more and others I stop at one minute. It's interesting to see what I come up with when I have a deadline set for myself. Anyways, the link to the website is above, if you are interested.
I haven't written any fiction lately so, here you go. A made up story about an elephant named Madame Ganesa.
DISCLAIMER: I absolutely love elephants. If you do too, and you have a faint heart, do not read below. You were warned.
I felt the sting with every lash as the whip rose and snapped behind the man's head. As the lash came down piercing my skin, I watched the sweat dribble down his nose. It pooled into a small bead in his left nostril. During the split second he reached to wipe the sweat from his nose, I regained my composure to take the next assault. But how long would I survive? My body thrashed in pain, and I hung my trunk low to the ground. It seemed the lower I bent my head, the safer I was, but there was no escaping this, no matter how close to the ground I was. There was no escaping the belittling, abuse and inherent torture that life had handed to me. Again and again, as I was whipped, I cried in agony. I stayed like this for months. For months, I was lost. Not only was I lost, I was hungry, and I was tired. And I was scared.
When I was eleven months old, I was taken from captivity. I was ripped away from my mother violently. The only good in my life slashed in half right in front of me. As I think back to my training period, I remember how faint the good days were in my mind. In the very beginning, I saw my mother in my head often. I saw nature and the mountains, and lots of lakes to bathe, swim and play in. As the beatings got tougher, and the elephant hook prodded deeper, those pictures of goodness and happiness faded. I lost myself, I lost the pictures of my mother in my head. I surrendered. I was defeated. I surrendered to the beatings. I surrendered to the men, and I surrendered to ever disobeying again. I was now a trained circus elephant.
Be on the lookout for my next blog update to follow the story of Lady Ganesa. Hope you've enjoyed yourself and I didn't break your heart.
(Beauty is so corrupt these days. A person very close to my heart is beautiful, and I'm not so sure she always knows it. Just in case, I've written her this list...this is why she's so beautiful. Oh, and here's a Jack Johnson song to listen to while you're reading.)
1.) I think you have a nice reading voice. You taught me to love to read as a child and its followed me my entire life. People think I'm crazy for reading so much. I think they are wrong, but if they're right, at least we'll be crazy together.
2.) You’re my mom and I am yours and always will be. There are no unnecessary break ups that I will ever have to endure with you.
3.) You are such a wonderful christian woman but I love that you laugh at vulgar jokes.
4.) You are so good at cooking, especially chicken livers. I know that the oil pops on your fore arms and burns but you still make them for me. I love that.
5.) I love that when we take pictures together, you say, "No take it sideways and point to make sure they only take it boobs up. That is so funny to me.
6.) You are so beautiful when you are laughing so hard until you accidentally start coughing. I know I should be worried when you do this but its still so beautiful that we are laughing so hard.
7.) You used to scratch my back when I was a child before I went to sleep. I wish I had someone to do that for me now.
8.) Our dog is fat. You say the neighbors feed her and you are away a lot but you take good care of her.
9.) You are such an adventurous woman. I know we didn't have a lot growing up but that's what made learn to appreciate nature. You did everything and didn't rely on a man. Maybe that is why I am so damn independent. You set up the tent, built the fire, cut the bushes, painted the walls and never stopped to ask for help. I admire that so much. I believe that you are so hardworking, and it makes you so accomplished.
10.) You are such a style savvy woman. You dress your age and your body type. You always make sure you look your best before walking out the door. You taught me alot about being beautifully you no matter where you go (with or with very little make up)
11.) When I was poor in college, you were too, but we never starved.
12.) I can count on you for practically anything. No seriously, anything..."Mom, how do you do this..." "Mom I need help with this.." You seem to have a vast knowledge of everything. You are better than google. Thank goodness for phones, and technology because I couldn't do this whole 10,000 miles away thing without talking to you every single day.
13.) You are kind of bossy but always take control of a situation, especially when people need you. Like during funerals or family gatherings. You just dive in and help even if its just doing to dishes or getting the kids out of the way.
14.) You put others first no matter what. You will work yourself to exhaustion before you stop and breathe. And seriously, you need to chill and relax sometimes but everything is always so put together when you do something. You have the most generous heart I've ever seen. Hopefully, I'm hardworking for the rest of my life like you.
15.) You don't judge others and always believe that there's good in people. Think about this one. THIS IS SO HARD. You find at least one good thing in everyone and I think that that's magical.
16.) You drove me to Steak and Shake at 1230a on a school night for fries and milkshakes to ease my nerves about a test.
17.) Another thing, you were great at helping me study growing up. I think you could have taken the test and passed, you quizzed me so much. I see that has rubbed off on me, by me helping my friends study with their air warfare test.
18.) You didn't push me to get straight A's. You understood that math just wasn't my thing.
19.) You bought salt and vinegar chips for me and Jon even though you hated them. And twizzlers too.
20.) You appreciate anything. Any gift, note, food, present. Its pleasing to you no matter how much it cost, whether its homemade or a weed from outside.
21.) You like to shop and I love going with you. You are great at buying things at the right price. I love that you taught me not to throw my money away.
22.) You are determined. You don't give up. You are so strong.
23.) You have a Christmas gift for just about everyone-even if its just a small cross or card. I send cards to many people too. I get that from you.
24.) You have a nice name. Be, nice with an R in the middle. Bernice. I've always loved spelling it.
25.) I love it when you tell me that I remind you of your mom when I bake, or when you say I'm stubborn like Granddaddy Jake. It makes me proud that I am so connected to my family.
26.) You have great handwriting. and you are great at your job. I love that you love what you do. That's why I'm not settling for anything that doesn't make me happy.
27.) OK so you aren't as good at drinking coffee or wine as I am, but sitting at the river with a movie and coffee or wine is wonderful with you. You are great company and a wonderful conversationalist.
28.) You like sharing banana splits but would never buy one for just you. You realize the importance of company.
29.) You have great legs and beautiful eyes. Thanks for passing those genes to me.
30.) You left the Christmas tree up when I came home for leave in February and you didn't even make me take it down. We listened to Micheal Buble Christmas music and it didn't matter that it was already past Christmas.
31.) You have great taste in music and are open to listening to anything on my ipod. I love the way you sing in church, too. You inspire Brooke to sing and there is surely beauty in bringing others closer to the Lord.
32.) Someone could say any sort of advice to me but I won't feel better about the situation until I hear it from you.
33.) You hate scary movies but always allowed me and Jon to stay up late and eat junk food into the wee hours of the morning hanging out.
34.) You're real. You never said don't smoke or don't drink. I don't have to lie to you or be ashamed. You know I drink. You buy me wine and Jon beer. I think its important that you treated us like adults when we became adults.
35.) Dude, you put up with slumber parties when I was younger. 8 girls in the house all night and by morning there'd be a breakfast casserole in the oven and a smile on your face. The amount of patience you had and still have is endless.
36.) You are my best friend. The best, I'll ever have throughout my life. You showed me what friendship is through Jacqui. That friendship is one I want to be able to experience. 30 plus years!
37.) You shave your legs everyday, and taught me to shave mine! This def calls for a thanks.
38.) You value every minute we have together. I know you'll be here for me no matter what, and I don't want to take you for granted ever. I realize how lucky I am to have you in my life when you lost your mom so young.
39.) I don't know how I turned out to be such an optimistic in life. I get excited about corn and cottage cheese and a dumb letter. Maybe my optimism came from you. I know you were sad at times, but you were always seemed so happy. I may not be happy always but I always seem it, ya know?
40.) OK, last one, I have to make it a good one...I know how much you loved your dad. You were there for him for everything. I know losing your dad was one of the hardest things you've done in your life but you and Aunt Denise handled it so well. When I wanted nothing else but be home, and couldn't be, you understood. You handled the situation, and remembered all the good times we had with granddaddy. I admire you so much for that.
And these are just but a few of the reasons that you are so beautiful. This list was so easy to write I could go on forever with many more reasons that you are so truly beautiful but whenever you're feeling down, you can turn to this and never forgot how much you're worth and how much I love you. You are a beautiful woman, inside and out that I am truly proud of.
I use amazon.com for everything. One of my favorite features (pre-kindle and nook era) is the "Look Inside" feature when buying a book. For those of you who are not technologically saavy, the "Look Inside" feature is deeper look at the book that you are about to purchase. If you are buying a paperback in the stores, all you can see is the back cover synopsis but with Amazon you get reader reviews, the back synopsis and even a feature to go to whatever page you want and read directly out of the book, i.e: "Look Inside."
Honestly it's 2013, who wants to buy a book by just reading the back cover with so many options available. When I buy a book sometimes, I'm like, "Okay this is good, I'll buy it" but most of the time, I'm thinking, "Umm, I need more before I throw down $14.00 on this."
Currently, I've been experiencing writer's block. It's absolutely terrible if you have never experienced it. I've been going through a lot of changes in my life, and for some reason, I cannot focus on writing anything. I have at least six half started (or half finished) blogs just sitting idly in my blogger account. Today, this one will be completed, even if it turns out to be trash.
So back to Amazon's "Look Inside" feature. What if that feature could be used on humans? I'm curious. What if you could open someone up and read straight through? Feelings, mistakes, thoughts and everything about that person would be exposed in dialogue, like a book. If you were given the opportunity, would you?
Flipping to the inside of someone would definitely be interesting. I could use it as a dating tool. I could go to the review section, and read all about the guy. I can see it now, "He screwed me over." "He is a cheating bastard. Stay far away." Or, "He's a sweetheart but the distance tore us apart." How convenient would that be? What if I could go back and read how a person treated their ex on page 32 in their life. It would be a surefire way to tell if someone is lying or not. I speak the honest truth, so sometimes I have false hope in others doing the same. You know all those times, you ask someone a question and know they are leaving something out? If you could look inside and see what they were thinking in that moment, leaving unsaid, would you? Using this as a dating tool, could be disastrous. So much hurt and pain could be exposed. Just thinking about someone hearing my thoughts makes me want to vomit. Even if I didn't use the feature as a dating tool, I could use it to broaden my friendships.
I could certainly connect with close friends on a deeper level. Two of my really good friends, lost their mom very early on in life. Sometimes I speak about my mom before really thinking about how it could effect their feelings. Having friends whose mom's have passed away makes me really appreciate all the time I have with my own mom. If I could go to page 27 and "look inside" to experience their mother's death, or simply a great day with their Mom, I could experience all of their feelings. Everything would be written out for me and i could read the dialogue of a mother and daughter. I could really empathize and understand.
I am always asking frank questions about all of my friend's childhoods. For example, "Did you have a special stuffed animal as a kid?" Or, "Did your mom teach you how to put your make up on when you were younger?" "What is your favorite memory of your brother?" "Was he closer to your mom when she was alive?" Its fascinating to me to hear how others experienced things growing up. It gives me ideas of things to write about and how to formulate characters into fictional stories but it also helps me become closer to my friends. An active listener is so important in life. I am always trying to listen before cutting someone off by speaking. I have a HARD time doing this, because I love to talk and I am so random at times. Using this feature on friends would be amazing. You could choose when to turn it on and off. I would want to turn it on and watch their first kisses. Instead of just hearing a story, I could read both people's feeling that have never been spoken. I would always carry that in my heart.
What if I could sit with my Grandmother on her page 21, as she said goodbye to my Granddad when he left for WWII? Sure, I hear stories but to look inside and be able to capture that moment with my Grandmother's thoughts exposed...I believe there is magic in that. Words are everything to me. There is power in words that stand alone, and there is adventure in words and phrases pieced together with purpose.
My journal, IS the "look inside" feature. All my thoughts, feelings, and opinions on people and life are written with explicit details. Do I always want to "look inside" myself? No. Life changes, and the quickest way to get over something is to not look back. But looking back, carries the magic in every single moment ever experienced. Sometimes, you need to look back. Everyone has the right to reminisce, but I have the upper hand on reminiscing because EVERYTHING is there in the raw. I have my first kiss written down. I have my first hangover and the feeling encompassed with the room spinning. I have my first heart break, and the next heartbreak, and the current heartbreak.
Sometimes, I feel like I am cheating myself because i don't write things down for fear of someone seeing them 30 years from now or 60 years from now when I've passed away. Someone will have to volunteer to burn them all and I'll have to trust that they will not be opened. My journal is like my bible, an anti-anxiety medication and a meditative journey. It's a story of growing up and getting lost and so far, it's my favorite book I've ever read. The coolest part, it only gets better from here.
PROMPT: List ten things you would tell your sixteen year old self if you could.
(Again, this was written while the ship was underway on October 4, 2012.)
1.) Honey, don't rush love. It'll blow your mind when you're ready and when it's right. It'll open your heart only after you've completely divulged into yourself first.
2.) It is OK to cry. It doesn't mean you're weak. It doesn't mean you're inferior. You'll be OK. Just give yourself time to cope before standing back up to kick MAJOR ass.
3.)You are NOT a diva. Don't act stuck up. Don't be selfish. You do not want to grow into being a bitch. In Gone With the Wind, everyone loves, Scarlett, but Melanie is who you should emulate. She is the most kind being.
4.)You are a beautiful girl. You have the prettiest blue eyes. I know you don't see it yet, but God has blessed you with beauty on the outside. He made you this way for a reason, so use your outer beauty with caution and realize, the inside counts too.
5.) Money isn't everything. It'll come and go but you'll make it. Be rich in love. Be rich in morals. Rich in family but don't worry about being rich in money. It won't get you where you want to be in life.
6.) Your first boyfried will break your heart. You will think you can't move on. But, baby, you can and you will. In the years after your first love, you will fall in love with your independence and grow as a young woman. There will be more boyfriends along the way.
7.) Be kind to your mom. It's the truest love you'll ever have. You'll learn later in life that she'll be around no matter who walks in and out of your life.
8.) Don't change your interests for others. Whether they are your classmates, friends, boyfriends, whatever. Like what you like, no mattter what. I don't care whether its 'cool' or 'in' at the time. You'll figure out that it really doesn't matter.
9.) Hoe's before bro's, my dear. Your girlfriends should come first no matter how wrapped up in love you are.
10.) Have no fear. Don't worry. Don't plan. Just live and whatever happens, happens. take it one day at a time. Its the only way you'll survive.
OK, so when the ship is underway there is absolutely no way to update my blog but, sometimes I write down prompts for myself in my journal so I never run out of ideas when a computer isn't accessible. This is a journal entry written on November 5, 2012.
PROMPT: What popular notion do you think the world has wrong?
I'm sorry if you disagree or if I offend anyone who married straight out of college. But, this is my blog, and my opinions. Read if you want. Or don't.
Every twenty something year old graduating from college thinks that after college, when you reach a certain age and you've dated your significant other for the "appropriate" amount of time that its time to settle down and get married.
WHAAAAT???? This is the popular notion that, in my opinion, society has completely wrong. I understand that a few generations ago, many married young. However, this is 2013, why in the world would it be a good idea to get married straight out of college just because society says, "It's time?"
When did this come about? And who puts the appropriate age on when its time to get married? I think society fuels this from boredom. After college, no one knows what to do... so marriage is, obviously, the right answer, right? It's like society has a timeline mapped out for us.
1.) Elementary school.
2.) Middle school.
3.) High school
4.) College
5.) Get married.
Except number 5 is made up. It doesn't exist. And you can't live life off of an imaginary map anyways. Number 5 should be: Explore the things you love! Focus on you. Date. Date A LOT, but don't settle down yet.
Graduating college is terrible. After four years of doing A LOT of growing up, graduating college is like starting completely over again. You're an adult now. Welcome to the real world! Except, everyone in the real world is wiser than you. All of the jobs you are applying for, require experience. Well tell me, how do you acquire experience if no one ever hires someone straight out of college. Graduating college is terrible.
(I love my boyfriend. I really do. So this rant has nothing to do with him. Remember, I wrote this awhile ago, while we were underway.I am a few years out of college and am currently giving myself all the room to explore I want. So don't think I am unhappily dating or not planning for my future. This was just too funny for me not to post!)
So, I'm twenty four and I'm not married yet. Uh oh!!!! I didn't follow the rules like everyone else! Oh no! I'm not married! What are we going to do? But seriously, why would someone want to settle down as soon as they graduate college? Just so they can't explore the world and learn new things on their own. OK, that sounds fun.
So, I should have someone hold me back from all my hopes and dreams? Well that's dumb. Life gives me enough problems holding me back as it is, without another person dragging me down. I'm not saying marriage holds you back and drags you down sounds really harsh. But, going straight from high school to college to getting married gives you no time to be yourself and live on your own. Do you know how much changing you do after college. A LOT! In my mind, I put a great deal of importance on putting me first. If you're married straight out of college, you can't always put yourself first. You can't plan for one. You can never just hop on a plane to India. You can't discover all of the things you love. You have to make plans. Yes, dating requires plans too. And it's wonderful planning for two, don't get me wrong but after college, everyone deserves a bit of time for just themselves, so that when they do get ready, they're ready. Does that make sense?
Also, by getting married straight out of college, when you have kids what will you tell them? Will you have all the answers? Will you be able to say, back when I was twenty something, in whatever place, with elephants, and fishing, and whatever else. Or will you say, yeah after college?
My goals in life may be different than others but I want to be able to have all the wisdom and knowledge in the world to tell my kids. I want to be able to answer with fascinating stories of books, and places all over the world. I just need to be me. I need to accomplish my dreams. I need to live for myself. I deserve to dig deeper and truly become Danielle. Rather than become Mrs. Danielle ______, ya know?
I'm happy for all of my girlfriend's and family, currently engaged straight out of college but me,.... I disagree. I'm destined for greatness. I'll get married when I'm ready, rather than when society says it's "time".
The constant act of my pen curling into cursive letters onto my paper is a baptism; a sort of, personal renewal that is ever praised and appreciated. I never feel more myself as when my pen is scribbling the blank page of my journal, a napkin or skin, or anything I can get my hands on. It's something I do for me. It's ever constant and never disappoints. Even after writing pages of thoughts with no solution to my issues, I still feel at peace and realize that everything will be OK at the end. As much as writing is an exercise and focus for my spiritual self its also an act that affects many.
Do you remember having a pen pal as a kid? Were you ever a pen pal for someone else? I don't think I ever had a pen pal. I always wanted one. I probably lied about having one when I was a kid so I could feel cooler. I wasn't cool as a kid. I was weird. I still am, I guess.
I am a pen pal to many, living in Japan. None of my friends here really write home like I do. A couple of people have caught on, by borrowing cards or postcards from me. I never mind sharing. I believe there is greatness regarding to personal thoughts on paper sent to others.
Dude, the world is changing. People rarely talk to each other face to face. People rely on phones, texting and other pieces of technology to interact with each other. Honestly, it's depressing. Kids now a days do not know how to interact with elders, their parents or even kids their age. They think their phone is an extension of themselves. Being without it, could be compared to being naked in a world of clothed people. Literally that is how uncomfortable they are without their phones. Thank god, I was not born in that generation. The lack of respect shown is ridiculous.
Anyways, if I can be the one person that ensures the mailman will always have a job. I want to be that person for as long as I can. I wrote countless letters to many different people while the ship was underway last year. My friends range wide in age, anywhere from 7 to 92, so letter mail is the only way to reach absolutely everyone. Email is an option that we have underway, but how impersonal is that? Not to mention, how are my elderly pen pals going to work email? Email takes precedent for many of the people I work with, but not for me. If we had a contest underway of who received the most letter mail, I guarantee that I would have won it.
To receive a large quantity of letter mail, you must send a large quantity as well. I am a huge fan of postcards. In each port I bought close to 15 or 20 postcards each and sent them out all over the United States. My friend, Caroline, has an entire wall devoted to postcards from me. They not only send my love but also act as a chain to keep us connected, when miles apart makes it so hard.
I'm getting bored. This is unfinished but my thoughts are drifting. Maybe I'll fix this later but for now, try not to lose the magic of sending letters in the mail. Just go do it. I guarantee the person who receives your letter will appreciate it!
