One Year

 I'm indecisive. If we go out to eat somewhere and we sit down, don't get too comfortable. I'll probably ask to switch seats with you.  If you love me, you'll accept this fact and realize that its a part of me. I'm never going to be completely happy or completely sure of myself. I'm never going to truly make up my mind about anything. Just accept the fact that I make 100% of my decisions based on my own happiness. Does that sound selfish? Probably. So, yes, I care about others, but if you always put yourself first, you know for a fact that you're going to have a good time.  There's an old Dixie Chick's song called, Don't Waste Your Heart," that I absolutely love. I've played it over and over again for the last five years because sometimes it just clicks with me. The lyrics are below.

"I've got nothin' to lose and nothin' to gain
And don't waste your heart on a wild thing
She's got a soul that won't settle on one thing
Whoa this bird can't sing when you've tied its wings"

No one knows what they're doing, do they? I mean really. No one knows. You know what really blows my mind? Think about where you were a year ago, and now think about where you are today. What's the same? Well, I've got a cup of coffee sitting on the table. It's hot and the lid is off. I almost never drink coffee with the lid still on. A friend pointed out to me, that I always drink it with two hands, too. He was right, I've been drinking coffee for a long time and I always do lift it to my mouth both hands hugging the cup. Sarah (Thomas) is still sitting next to me. We may be in a different country but there is a certainty in sitting with her at a coffee shop, no words are needed, no matter where we are in the world.  I've still got a pair of leather moccasins to walk around in. They are weathered and worn in, oh, but the places they've been. Eric Church is still sweeping me off my feet on my ipod, and there's a book next to my coffee. Naturally, some things will never change. Oh, thankfully, I am still writing too. God, my life would be in shackles if I couldn't write. Whether it be on a computer or with a pen or journal.

What's different? I'm single. Technically, I was single last year too. I will not expand on this at this time. My hair is a lot longer now. I've always loved my hair. I love the simplicity and ease it takes to fix it after a shower. Its as long as its been in a while. The color is different. I don't know what it is about women and break ups but I always want to do something visually drastic after becoming single again. The color is a dark mahogany brown color. There is a shade of purple and red that shines through in the sun. Last year, my hair was a dark brown/blackish color. Don't ask me why I thought it looked good. Did it? It made my eyes stand out, but I think that may have been the only plus. T

The biggest change I've seen in my life within the past year are the people I've chosen to surround myself with. You could call them friends, but I think family would be a better word to use. Yes, I still have Thomas but new friendships have developed. Some are so strong they make me question how I ever survived without them. One of my good friends, Jon Garza, seen below, is leaving on Wednesday to transfer to San Diego.

 

 

I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that he will succeed at anything he does when he gets there. Whether it be in his navy career or his personal life. I know that he's probably freaking out about the next chapter, but if he just steps back to enjoy the ride, he'll be absolutely fine. Yesterday a small group of us went to Yokohama for one of Garza's last get together. We opened a bottle of wine on the ferris wheel, and cheers'ed the night away shot after shot for him. So many memories have been made and there are so many more to come. I guess I should start being OK with saying goodbye, because after Garza, it will be just as hard when Britany leaves, too. But you know what makes all of it OK? This year, I am writing about what is the same in my life after a year. So next year, I can just imagine myself putting Garza, and Britany in the same category, of yeah these people are still here.. What's the same after a year? Family is. I am in control of what remains constant in my life and that's the cool part. Family is constant, no matter what. This much I have learned. No matter whats been going on in my life, they've been there. Miles apart won't change that.

So, I can't get anymore pictures on here, because its deleted itself twice. I'm not okay with trying again. It's exhausting re-writing thoughts, so I apologize Pyne, you don't have a picture. Last year, I didn't have a twin, but this year, I wonder how I survived Japan a year without you. You know that Taylor Swift song, "I'm Only me When I'm With You," well that's what I think of, when I think of her. OK, so the lines below aren't in order, but they are all my favorite parts.

"And I don't try to hide my tears.
The secrets or my deepest fears.
Through it all nobody gets me like you do.
I'm only me when I'm with you.

When I'm with anybody else it's so hard to be myself.
Only you can tell."

So even if I don't know who I am I know that I love the person I am when she is around me. I just think life is more fun with her around. Do you have someone in your life that just brings sunshine in? That's what she does.  I know without a doubt that she will be with me, for many more years to come.

Don't get pregnant twin, I can't handle a goodbye from you yet.

What else is different? I don't know. What else will change? Everything probably. Everything and nothing. Am I different personality wise? Yes, but the person inside is the same. So, stay you, no matter what. Stay who you are and respect the people who are constant and true in your life. In a year, we shall re-evaluate things.

DG

 

 

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Influence of Sound

Remember discmans? I remember my first cd player. It was a discman dinosaur! Do you remember having to carefully balance it, just so, on your lap? It was always important to find the proper placement of a discman to ensure that the cd didn't skip. It could not ever be turned on its side. I would get so aggravated when my mom was driving the car and we would hit a bump.  Or worse, we'd hit an entire bumpy road to drive down. Ughh. I remember the distress in that. Think about how easy it is to plug an ipod into a car stereo now a days. When I used my discman as a kid, I had to plug it into a tape adapter. I guess that's just one more thing kids these days will never experience.

 So, I don't have my notes or journal with me, currently, but I really want to focus on sounds today. Have you ever thought about losing one or more of your senses. Imagine your childhood without sight, touch, taste or smell. The only way you can remember your childhood is by ear. What do you remember hearing? There are specific sounds that come to mind when I reminisce. Interesting enough, though, its not all music.

1.) We had a trompoline in our backyard when I was a kid. I don't know where it came from. I think the neighbors moved and my dad allowed my brother and I to drag it over to our backyard when they left it behind. It wasn't fancy. There was no safety net. This was the nineties. A cushion for the springs didn't exist and we recieved this trampoline with at least 3 or 4 missing springs. Why my dad let us play on this thing unattended beats the hell outta me. Many days were spent jumping with the olther kids on the cul-de-sac. Many nights were spent laying out watching the stars. Many hotdogs, watermelons, chips, and hamburgers were consumed on this trampoline. Many games of truth and dare were played with the other kids in the neighborhood. If this trampoline could talk, oh the stories it could tell us. Whenever my dad jumped on it with me and Jonathan were the best times. We used to play this game called popcorn. He was so heavy and we were so light that whenever he jumped we would sit curled up in a little ball and wait for him to bounce us 6 feet high like popcorn kernals. It never got old. The constant, unrhythmic noises related to this trampoline still play in the back of my head. I can see my gappy toothed self giggling as my dad would pop me into the air as I was wearing ugly lion king shorts. Taking away all of the smiles and silent actions, you are with springs squeaking and unmuffled, free spirited giggles.

2.) Do you remember those merry go round rides below.  The liability are the cause of its slow extinction. What were parents thinking letting us on these things? I remember the distinct creaks these things made as its spun in a dangerous whirlwind. As you were spinning, the entire world disappeared. All you had to do was tip your head back and let the wind wash all the worries away.

4.) On a child's list of fabulous things falls McDonalds and the ice cream truck. Seriously, hearing the ice cream truck music on a summer day, what more could you ask for when you're 8. I heard a joke one time about a dad that told his child if the music was playing, the truck was out of ice cream. Cruel, but hilarious all the same. I would always buy the power ranger pop, snoopy or the flintstone push up pop. What did you buy?

5.) Do you remember blowing into the nintendo games to make them work? Yeah, that noise. That noise will forever remain on my list of noises encountered in my childhood. Many days spent tilting side to side on the curvy roats, playing mario kart, trying to avoid the slippery bananas. Remember those races?

6.)"Marco?"....."Polo!!!!!!" Are any more words needed?

7.) "Light as a feather, stiff as a board." "Light as a feather, stiff as a board" "Light as a feather, stiff as a board." I played that game all the time at sleepovers with girlfriends. I don't know why we thought it was so cool. We never lifted anyone off the floor, but as everyone whispered, it was like I almost got lost in a trance. All of us focused on one desire. 12 years old, completely clueless about life.

8.) My dad recieved his first banjo when I was younger. This was a rough time for me. My dad is a very talented musician, but when he first picked up the banjo, he would come into my room and wake me up for school playing it. It sounded like two cans banging together three inches from me ears. He's better at it now.

9.) I spent one summer, one whole summer, on my bike. I rode it everywhere. No shoes, rarely a helmet. The continual clicking of the gears as I peddled uphill or soared downhill is a sound that comes to mind. An almost, second nature sound that people often forget about. Maybe this whole idea is stupid, but taking out the other senses really helps me focus on the passions I had as a child. Even, if my passions only exsisted of ice cream, and marco polo. At least, that's something.

DG