Boycotting Resolutions

It's December 31, 2013. Kirsten and I decided to buy wine and ring in the new year on the couch and go to sleep before 2014 commences. We have duty tomorrow so why stay up until midnight anyways right?

Ringing in the new year with wine, isn't anything crazy. Let's be honest, we ring in just about every night with wine. And each night, have I ever been disappointed? No. 

The rule of thumb is "the prettiest label of wine is always the best tasting." Well apparently, this rule failed me today. We purchased a box of zinfandel red wine. It was so cute. It was made out of recycled paper with cursive writing. It was fairly cheap, so we thought, why not, right? Wrong.

Kirsten didn't care for the wine but she poured me a glass, just the same. I love bitter black coffee, so tasting red bitter wine hit my taste buds just right today. Well, approximately one glass later…I'm ready to take on the world. Tipsy would be the word to use. Confident. Frank. Tipsy. 

Writing this blog today, I feel very vocal and opinionated so here goes…

Today, I am boycotting resolutions. Why change what is already awesome? So that sounded cocky. I know I'm not perfect but why even utter a goal if you know its not true? or you know it's not going to be completed? Why even start what you know won't be finished?

Did I turn into work out barbie last year? No.

Ok so here's a quote.

"You are not what you think about doing tomorrow.
You are what you start to do, today."

So, I'm not doing anything today. I'm sitting in sweats, enjoying good music, wine and friends. I'm not running a 5K (or running at all, for that matter) I'm not cooking great foods. I'm not learning a second language or cleaning my room more. I am simply being me. If being me is what I accomplished in 2013, why not do the same for 2014. 

We have a Miley Cyrus in this world…and she's just being Miley…haha ok, not funny.

We have a Beyonce and an Ellen Degeneres. We have Katy Perry and Lady Gaga but who really cares?

What we really need in 2014 is more of Danielle Greene being Danielle Greene.

Maybe absolutely everything I say is stupid. Maybe I'm living in a grown up world and I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing but at least I'm staying true to me, right?

It's sad to say but I truly believe that, I've experienced more in 3 years being single in Japan than most of my young married friends will ever experience in their whole lifetime.

Me: I'm living in Japan. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I'm eating foods I never knew existed and getting my hair cut by a girl who can't even understand me. If i want to eat an entire jar of nutella in one sitting, I will.

It's 2014, why not?

Reflecting back on 2013…it sucked. I learned a lot. I moved on and realized I deserved more. Instead of compliments about my outer beauty, i hope 2014 brings: "Your mind is so beautiful, I love the way you think, Your writing is a masterpiece." I'm tired of being complimented on things that don't matter.

Last year, I decided that my new years resolution would be to take the stairs more…well about 3 weeks into 2013 I decided that working on a ship I take the stairs enough. OPERATION FAIL!! What was I thinking?

"New years resolutions are great but they just make the gym crowded." Kirsten Pyne stated. She is so right. I love the gym. I really do. I do what I want to do and to be honest, I haven't been to the gym in awhile. I don't want to go. I'm happy eating pizza and drinking wine or beer and any man that sees me naked is going to be pleased regardless, so why not just do what I want to do whenever I want to do it.

I like to run. I like the feeling. I'll run when I want to run. So, yeah, 2014, bring it. No resolutions. I just want to live and be Danielle. What's more real than being me?

Mom's Legacy Essay

"Servire," meaning, to serve. This is East Carolina University's motto. It is also the motto my mom lives and guides her life on. Meet Bernice Harden: a woman who doesn't sit down until everyone feels at home. Bernice: a woman with a plan and two helping hands. Growing up, she didn't give me the choice to be lazy or not. I was raised and expected to work hard. Over the years, I have seen my mom continuously make strides in the community as well as in our family. I cannot think of another woman more capable who stands humbly before others ready to serve. As I grow up, I hope to emulate her in serving others prior to serving my own needs.

My parents divorced when I was young, but being a single mother didn't stop my mom from being on the fast track. We didn't have a lot growing up but that's what helped me to appreciate each and every moment of the day. She did everything and didn't rely on a man...well, except for me! She set up the tent when we went camping. She taught me to build the fire, cut the bushes, and paint the walls. As other families were going to theme parks and Disneyland, my family hiked Jockey's ridge and navigated through national parks and bird sanctuaries. 

She has taught me that less is more. I've learned that free things in life are always grand. I didn't know that we were camping in national parks because it was cheaper than theme parks. I only knew that waterfalls were beautiful and mountains were huge. I didn't realize that I was learning geography, geology and life skills that would take me much farther than Disneyland or Carowinds ever could.

She has a vast knowledge of everything. I'd even go as far to say that she's better than google! You can count on her for anything and everything.  Even today, graduated from college I find myself calling her up saying, "Hey mom, how do you do this or what should I season my salmon with?" She has provided me with all of the necessary tools and guidance to grow into a great man, and I hope I continue to do a good job making her proud. I hope to one day have all of the answers that she does.

Growing up in Charlotte my mom was active member of the Lion's Club. The Lion's Club is large, worldwide volunteer organization committed to helping the blind and visually impaired. My Granddad was blind his whole life and I think this may have been the reason, she was active in the club. The Lion's club helps the visually impaired but also helps with disaster relief and community events as well. I remember going with her to many volunteer efforts to help raise money for the organization. She sold countless brooms and mops. I attended many Red Cross coin drops during the holidays. She expected me to be around for elderly visits at the old folks home and after all this time, I'm glad that she pushed me to experience helping out the community growing up. It kept me out of trouble and pushed me to raise money for Fraternity events, cancer donations and Hurricane clean ups.

My sister, Danielle, is currently in the U.S. Navy stationed on the USS George Washington in Japan. I know it is hard for her to have her daughter so far away. With me graduated, and Danielle 10,000 miles away, Bernice has actively become a GA (Girls in Action) leader for Elm Grove Church. Girls in Action is a discipleship organization for girls ages 1-6. The GA's meet every Wednesday night for prayer and mission work. Oftentimes, the meet for events once a week. Every week, my mom takes time out of her life to minister the gospel to these girls and teach them life lessons that go beyond having faith in God. Many of the girls need a mother figure to look up to, my mom fits the role. She has opened her house up on countless occasions for get togethers. She has crafted for hours, and spent money out of pocket to keep the GA's a successful program. She works with my Aunt on many projects, and this furthers their relationship and her value on the importance of family. The GA's do many volunteer projects. The girls visit with the elderly, do disaster relief, send packages to the military and preach the gospel to the community. The girls are so lucky to have such hard working woman to look up to.

This past year, my mom has been especially blessed with the opportunity to volunteer with Elm Grove Church to clean up Oklahoma. The tornado damaged over 2,000 homes, leaving many with nothing. She traveled with a group of about twelve others and spent just under a week ministering to those less fortunate and helping to repair damaged houses. She camped out in a church room with fifty others. Did I say she was good with power tools? This woman could fix just about anything.

I cannot state how proud I am of her. For Oklahoma, but also for all that she does for others in her spare time. A woman so selfless, sometimes I wonder how she even remember to breathe. She bends over backwards for anyone and everyone. And while she continues to help others, I hope that others follow in her footsteps. If there is anything this world needs, its more Bernices's. This world needs more Christmas cards, and hugs to the elderly, and a genuine "How are you?" Whether it be the elderly, the military, those less fortunate, our youth or even a next door neighbor, I am proud to tell the world that Bernice serves.

This?

This?
Is nothing but a picture on a morning with nothing to do but be.

This?
Is the face of a young woman more interested in reading or writing than watching tv.

This?
Is the face of a young woman who could care less whether Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are on the rocks or if Britney Spears gained 10 pounds.

This girl?
Cares more about the Country music awards than any football game.

This?
Well she could talk for hours about traveling but couldn't read the map to get there. Good thing she wouldn't care.

This girl?
Finds the magic in anything. Give her a rock, and she'll tell you a story with meaning as to why the rock is sad.

These eyes?
Need glasses, yes, but can you find a more beautiful feature in the world? I dare you to try.

This?
Is what true beauty looks like. No make up. No bra. A t-shirt and sweats. Nobody around. Truly pleased with oneself as confidence glows.

This?
Is only a picture, yes, but inside, so many stories lie. Open with care and read with caution, for once you open the story, a character you become, as she writes you down in history.

This?
Is a glimpse into one's heart. What can you see? Fear of the unknown? Fear to love? Fear to not? Focus not on the flaws but on the ability to conquer.

This girl?
Has come a long way, but the journey has yet to begin.

This?
If a picture's worth a thousand words, where would you begin to unfold? Would you start with the dimple or the soft smile lines. The acne or the faded chapped lips. Maybe the hair and swirls that they entail.

This?
I swear you will only see once in your life. You best hope that once is enough because like a candle blown out, she'll be gone before the flicker fades.

**I smile for you. You know who you are. Three things. I'm still waiting.**

WRITE

It feels great to be back on land. Aside from that land being Japan, instead of NC...I'm still quite peachy. It's a Friday morning, and my coffee cup is bottomless while I sit here and write. I have all day to do as I please. Oh, the possibilities that await me.  Reading, movies, painting my toenails, a bubble bath, etc.

I celebrated Thanksgiving this year on the boat.Yeah, I know, of all the place I could have been its one of the last place I wanted to be, but life is what you make it. So I had thanksgiving lunch at a table with people I worked with. They are all wonderful people but I felt so alone. The food was awesome... for once. Of course, it wasn't my Grandma's turkey or mom's stuffing but it was more than what we usually have on the boat. I ate quickly and went back to work like it was any other day. It wasn't until Kirsten got up for dinner that it really felt like Thanksgiving to me. We had stale tacos with questionable meat on the mess decks, surrounded by noise, but its what I consider to be my thanksgiving dinner. For me, being thankful had nothing to do with the type of food i was eating but more about the family instilled in Kirsten that surrounded me.

This morning, I am thankful that my eyes opened and I was granted today. God allows it to happen for me. He keeps waking me up each morning because he sees purpose in me. I'm going to do my best in upholding the promises I've made to him.

While in Singapore, he spoke to me in the most curious way.

If you aren't religious, that's fine. If you don't go to church on Sundays that's fine too. I make my choices based on values and faith. Whether this was a conversation, an omen, fate or just a serendipitous adventure, believe what you want to believe. I sure do. In my opinion, God choose to spoke to me though words because that is what our relationship is based on. I have a hard time praying out loud, but if I write it down, I feel like my prayers make it to heaven faster.

 I was walking along Sentosa Island, the southernmost part of Asia while in Singapore. Sentosa Island is like a hidden resort. You could not find a more beautiful beach if you tried. Anyways, I crossed a walking foot bridge and placed a beautiful orange flower in my hair that matched my dress. I wore a long dress that day. I remember because I was constantly picking up the bottom half so it wouldn't drag the sand. After I crossed the footbridge, I walked through the sand. No one was around, and all of a sudden my eyes locked into the sand.

W R I T E.

There it was drawn out in the sand. WRITE. I was really exhausted and allowed myself to do a double take. There it was, in all caps, waiting for me.

I guess God has a sense of humor, writing that message to me. Maybe he thought if it was written down for me, it would make it to my head and heart faster. Hmmm, real funny God!

There is absolutely no way that that message was meant for anyone else's eyes. You know that sinking feeling in your heart when you can't say a word. I was utterly speechless, and my eyes began to water up with tears. I didn't cry but I realized how much I missed writing. When the ship is underway, I don't have the opportunity to write. I changed jobs at work, and the change had really taken a toll on my mind and body. Instead of working out, I stayed late some nights or just went straight to bed. I constantly felt drained. Writing has  always been my release, but I hadn't been writing at all. So all those days at work became a viscous cycle of me feeling stuck.

After seeing that message in the sand, I wrote that night. God wanted me to. He wrote it down didn't he. (Well he made sure it was written down for me). I wrote on my blog a little, and wrote in my journal. I began writing notes, and receiving cards from family and friends. I posted everything in my journal the remainder of cruise and soon realized how to regain my life and control my frustrations.

Thanks God! You really helped me out. Oftentimes, we pray for our families health and we pray to make it home safely. I try to remain thankful and ask God to take care of others and give me self control to be a godly women around people who get underneath my skin but we forget that a relationship with god doesn't have to be strict or formal. From that day on, I tried to constantly say, "Hey, God. I have this, this and this to do today. I'm really stressed out. I have a TL board. Be with me. Take my stress and do not allow me to worry." ...And its just that easy. He bears the burden for us, no matter how small.

And I wonder who's life was affected also as they wrote the message to me. What were they thinking? I hope that they also overcame their stress and frustrations and found the release they needed as they WROTE.

DG 

Wasp Catastrophe

This past weekend I went camping with a few friends and had an absolute blast. There is nothing better than laying down looking up at the stars, only to wake up to clouds above you. It was my birthday weekend and my friends really made it special for me. There was one problem...

The downside to this whole camping thing is the squatting aspect of using the bathroom. So, I'm not gonna sugar coat it for you, there was no bathroom on this camping trip. With that being said, understand that I squatted and peed behind trees. Yes, we had toilet paper. Yes, we had hand sanitizer, but let me tell you, its not the easiest thing in the world to pee in the woods, as a girl.

Guys can just stand there, turn their backs and whip it out. Being a girl and having to pee in the woods, requires a bit more complications. 1.) You have to find a secluded location. Its easier to find when in the dark. Sadly, when your in the dark, anything that brushes up against you, scares the shit out of you. I was drinking this weekend, so my liquid courage was up, but let me tell you, anything that brushed against me, I was ready to fight. 2.) We require toilet paper, as females. There is no shake, and tuck it back in. Yeah that doesn't happen. So every time you use the bathroom, you take toilet paper with you and bury the evidence.

At the beginning of the trip I took Pyne or Thomas with me whenever I needed to relieve myself. Those who pee together, stay together, I've always said. Well long story short, Pyne fell asleep and Thomas fell in love with a hammock; so I was on my own.

Everything was going fine until my life almost ended...seriously. I'm lucky to be alive right now. The camping trip was a success and in a couple hours I would be on my way to a shower and fuctional toilet facility. Anyways, it's morning time, and I decided I needed to use the bathroom.

 Toilet paper in hand, I found a secluded location to squat, and then it happened. I unbutton my pants and shimmy my underwear and shorts down to around my knees. As I squatted, and pee flew freely, a wasp decided it wanted to join in. WTF. Just imagine it, pant's down and a wasp wants to go for a swim in the puddle below you. Yeah, that's how close this wasp was to my hoohaa. (Is that how you spell it?) Vagina. I don't know. It was so freakin' close to my vagina.

I was about to go into cardiac arrest I was so terrified. So what do you do in that moment? You can't scream. That'll startle it. So, I just tried to pee on it. Wrong. Mistake number 1. That just pissed it off. Instead of sitting there minding its own business, it decided to start buzzing around me because it was mad. I made it mad by trying to drown it in my pee.

All of your defenses are down when your pants are at your ankles by the way. So as I am peeing and the wasp is flying I start trying to waddle away from it, all the while still peeing. Do you know how hard it is the pee and walk without dribbling on your toes? Yeah, definitely goes down in the peeing olympics. I should have a gold medal right now.

Well, the wasp wanted to play, apparently, because as I started this awkward squat waddle, IT FOLLOWED ME. All sorts of obscenities were being shouted at this 6 legged creature, by the way. This is why its important to pick a secluded location so you don't embarrass the shit out of yourself.

Finally, as I finished my business, it flew sort of away. It flew sort of away until I was bringing my shorts back up,  and then the little guy wanted to cuddle. "Get out! Get out! Get out," I yelled. Totally freaking out, I finally got away from it.

Whew. Sweat was dripping from my forehead. Never have I ever been so traumatized by something so tiny. So just so you know, peeing in the woods is not as easy as it looks. There are downfalls. I'm a country gal, but never will I ever relieve myself next to a wasp again. I didn't tell anyone about this story, as of yet.

First Kisses

I still remember my first kiss. Do you remember yours? It doesn't matter where you are or what you are wearing. Honestly, the guy isn't even really the important part. The important thing about first kisses isn't who it's with; its the feelings it evokes. Everything is in that moment right up until your lips first meet. Do you know what I am talking about? I'm going to do my best to try and describe it.

In kisses, whether they are firsts or not, you look into the other persons eyes, and everything else fades away. None of the stress is there. There are no plans. There are no worries. It just happens. You aren't worrying about who is around to see or if your going to be a bad kisser, it just happens. And in that; nothing matters.

Very first kisses are intimidating. My very first kiss was with this guy named J.J, in high school. I claim my first real kiss with my first boyfriend, Adam, because the story is better, but to be honest it happened before then. OK, I'll admit it, this very first kiss was kind of lousy. Why do guys in high school think its attractive to kind of have stubble as facial hair? He wasn't yet old enough to grow a beard, but he was trying, I guess. That stubble sucked.

My first relationship went as follows:
A friend of mine: "Danielle, J.J. thinks you're really cute. You should give him a chance."
Me: "Huh, why? What am I suppose to do?"
Same friend: "Just talk to him"
Me: *Shrugs shoulders* "OK"

So were dating. In high school (for me) this means holding hands in the hallway. This dating period lasted all of two weeks.

J.J: Hey Danielle, do you want to go to the football game with me
Me: No, I'm busy.
J.J. :Hey Danielle, do you want to go to the movies this Friday?
Me: I have to babysit.
J.J: Hey Danielle, do you want to go bowling?
Me: I really don't like bowling.

Eventually, it just fizzled out because I never agreed to go anywhere with him. I only wanted to hold his hand in the hallways. I was a real hit, you could say. I realized that I wasn't really into J.J. I just wanted a boyfriend at the time. I wanted a flower on valentines day and a kiss before class. I wanted someone to hug and someone to understand me. Later down the road, I realized how hard that really is to find. Sure, anyone can hug you, but not everyone understands you.

So, J.J. and I were not meant to be. You win some and lose some I guess. The first kiss I had with him was in the hallway of Providence High School. I had been dodging the act for quite some time because, lets be real, I didn't know what I was suppose to do. Tongue, no tongue? When do you know when to pull away? And if you close your eyes before you kiss how the hell are you suppose to know where their lips are? All these things were running through my head. Where should I put my hands? Is it appropriate kiss etiquette to make noises? And how am I suppose to breathe while all this is going down?

So I was clueless. but it happened one day. He walked me to English class and we were in a stairway just before the classroom. People were walking by but, I reached in to hug him and his mustache stubble tickled my upper lip. Shit he was going in for it. Thoughts were racing...and then he kissed me. It was just a peck, however it made me feel all tingly inside. What is that feeling? OK, for one, I didn't even really like the guy. I was just using him so I could have a boyfriend but it still felt kinda nice. What would this feeling be like with someone I actually cared for? At the time, I had no idea. Its funny how in high school, you think you rule the world when in all actuality you have  so much left to experience and learn. I acted like a real diva in high school.

So I know how to kiss now, but does anyone really know what they're doing when it comes to relationships these days? There is no mathematical equation or formula that adds up to the perfect relationship. So how are we suppose to know if its right? Are we all just kind of wingin' it through life because lately, that's what it feels like.

Who cares, if it doesn't make sense? Who cares if your decision could be wrong or if it will hurt someone in the end? If it feels right in the moment, shouldn't you just go for it? I think so. Anyways... this is how I've been living my life lately. I'm 25. Whoa, that sounds weird, but yeah, I really am. I'm 25, and to be honest with you, I'm tired of doing things and making decisions to please others. I just want to do what I want to do. Where's the harm in that? OK, well its not here yet...it will be, probably, but I'm not going to worry about that right now. I'd rather just commit myself to living in the moment, kissing who I want to kiss, wearing what I want to wear and writing what I want to write.

Why live for anyone else? The important one here is me, right?

Favorite Restaurants

I recently purchased a really cool book entitled, “Listography.” The entire book has prompts on each page for the writer to make lists of. For example: Favorite Things about Yourself, Favorite Movies, or Favorite moments as a teenager. The author’s purpose in creating this book was to give families and friends the opportunity to learn things about the writer and also for the writer to have the ability to compile multiple lists to one day create his or her autobiography. With that being said, it was like Christmas morning when I opened this package from Amazon. I got two versions: All I want to Do in Lists, and the Original Listography book. I cannot wait to one day finish these books and begin writing my own autobiography. I will have numerous journals, and blog posts to work with. Anyways, I sound like a super nerd but last night I began filling out the favorite restaurant section.

The list went something like this:

1.)    Taco Bell. So I know this is the first on my list and that may seem crazy but let me explain myself. Taco Bell is amazing. There are so many options. There’s always Mountain Dew and it’s cheap. Like really cheap. In college if I had four dollars; I had a meal. One complaint: what happened to the cheesy potatoes? Remember those? They were always a dollar. They consisted of fried potatoes with nacho cheese and sour cream, sprinkled with chives. Just talking about them, makes my mouth salivate. Ok, moving on.

2.)    Cracker Barrel. In college I wrote an entire essay on Cracker Barrel and its sense of heritage and family. I love shopping and I love eating. Cracker barrel is the best of both worlds. I’m also a big fan of the tester lotions in the women’s bathroom. Who doesn’t want to wash their hands with floral soap and douse their hands with goat lotion afterwards? I mean, that’s a perfectly normal part of your agenda at cracker barrel. Check. I’ve done it. You can also play that triangle peg game. Whoever has the least amount of pegs at the table wins. I am always an ignoramus though; meaning, there are many pegs left over when I play. My brother likes to play chess in front of the fire. I, however, do not. I always lose. Every time. Before I joined the navy, I spent many Thanksgivings with my dad in Tennessee here. Each holiday season, eating here on Thanksgiving always made me feel so blessed to be able to share the holiday with my dad. We always saw many older men and women celebrating the holiday alone. That just breaks my heart.

3.)    Olive Garden. Specifically for the lunch special of soup, salad and bread sticks. This one is on the list for my mom and me. I really don’t go here with anyone else. We really only go for the lunch special. So, the olives, in my opinion, should just not belong in the salad, but since my mom eats most of them, I guess they can stay. But that’s it, only for her.

4.)    Cook Out. I really do feel sorry for the individuals that have never experienced this one. I’ve only ever seen them in North Carolina. Do they exist elsewhere? This fast food joint is like Sonic, on crack. Most are drive thru only, but it’s worthwhile, I promise. The prices are cheap. The tea is sweet and the burgers are juicy. You can order a tray special, which allows you to mix and match sides with either, bbq, a burger, a hot dog or a corn dog. Also, tea comes with the tray. Did I mention the milkshakes? There are about 50 on the list. Once I decided I wanted to try them all. It would be called, The Cook Out Challenge. I had a check list and everything. About 12 flavors in, I realized you can mix and match the flavors. I suck at math so I quickly halted this aspiration. The probability was high that I wouldn’t succeed haha. I crack myself up. Moving on.

5.)    The Heritage House. This is a local restaurant in Windsor, NC. If you’re wondering where Windsor is, there is no point in me trying to explain. The middle of nowhere, that’s where. In the middle of nowhere you find the most beautiful people and places. This was one of Granddad’s favorites. You know when you get a feeling or presence of someone who has passed away in certain locations. This place is my granddaddy Jake; The Heritage House and the front porch swing at the river with a spit cup in hand is him. This place is strictly country food. Don’t expect to order a salad. Don’t expect to ask for unsweet tea. What is that anyways? Don’t expect for the veggies not to be seasoned with fat back, salty ham or bacon. The fried chicken is top notch. The fish is wonderful but my favorite by far is the collard greens.  I usually just go for the buffet. The buffet consists of any of the following: Beef stew, spaghetti, fried chicken, country styled steak, macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes and gravy, cabbage, fried okra, collard greens, peach cobbler, bread pudding and fried corn bread. My granddad never could see his plate, but he sure could clear it.  He trained me well. I can too!

Well that’s all for now. Maybe this will evoke you to think of some of your favorites. Remember, making a list is fun, but dig deeper. Why is it your favorite? What memories have you shared here? What kind of trouble has it caused? Dinner conversations. Awkward Dates. Unexpected farts. All of these tiny details are what makes memories and stories come together.

Seven Ways to Win my Heart

Eight Ways to Win my Heart (in no specific order, whatsoever.)

Step 1: Bring me coffee. I don’t care what time of day it is. I don’t care about the creamer or sugar. I don’t care if it’s a starbucks frappacino or 69 cent coffee from the 7/11. If you bring me coffee, I’ll most assuredly, love you for the rest of my life. Nothing could brighten my day more.
Step 2: Be nice. I’m over this whole asshole trend. If you think I look pretty, tell me. If I have nice eyes, tell me. If you want to be with me, be with me. Honestly, it’s exhausting trying to read into what someone thinks about me. I don’t have time or energy to waste on that. It’s taken me 24 years to love myself and I don’t have time to convince someone of the same. So quit it with the games, and just be nice. Tell me if you love me and tell me if you hate me because if you don't tell me anything, I won't waste my time reading into anything anyways.

Step 3: Make me laugh. If you can make me laugh, I'll do anything I can for you, I promise. I'll be your biggest fan. You'll always be at the top of my list, ALWAYS. A sense of humor comes far before good looks and it trails good manners. I think what I love most about the people I work with is how much they make me laugh. Lets face it, I'm miles from home but coming down to 84's watching all of us be goofy is well worth being far away.

Step 4: Be a dog. Be a mutt or a full breed. Be a puppy or be old. Nothing warms my heart more than cradling a dog's head right between both hands and kissing it square on the nose. Our conversations will last forever and I've never found a better cuddle buddy. The ultimate little spoon I've always found to be dogs.

Step 5: Don't be a cat.

Step 6: Be polite. Use your manners. If I go on a first date, and you do not tip the waitress, I will judge you. (This doesn't apply in Japan.) I know that I am fully capable of opening the door myself but I am a firm believer in gentlemanly approaches. Be my knight in shining armor. Don't let me walk too close to the road. Switch sides with me when I'm too close to oncoming traffic. Save me and my girl when were drunk and creepers are hitting on us. Give me a piggy back ride if my feet hurt. There's nothing better than resting a head on a man's shoulder or bicep. I cannot get over the feeling of that.

Step 7: Appreciate what I love. I'm animated, and silly, and at times, ridiculous. I'm hard to keep up with, and throw Pyne into the pot and things truly get real. You don't have to love what I love but you should at least appreciate how and why I love the things I love. Example: I love reading. I'm not saying you have to, but you should be interestested that I am interested in reading. Don't make fun of me if I get excited over an avacado. Be happy for me. Revel in my excitement with me!

Rainbow or Thunderstorm?

You know what absolutely sucks? It sucks to have have faith in something only for it to fail you. Whether you have faith in a friend, a lover, a career, no matter what, when it fails you, and it will, life just sucks. My writing fails me constantly, and so do people. The other day, I began writing a story. I haven't been in smooth waters concerning writing lately, so even beginning a story was a big deal at the time. Blame it on life events I guess, but this blog was promising; well, concerning the beginning anyways. It was fiction, but some of the elements in one of the characters had so many connections to myself it was scary. Writing honesty and pieces of yourself into a character can be challenging, tough, dangerous, but most of all, intriguing. I hadn't finished the story yet but I couldn't wait to see the events that would play out in the plot. I got off the computer to live my own life. It was a Friday and I had plans. I got dressed up cute, wore my hair down, etc, etc...If only I would have stayed on the computer to complete the story. I feel like I would have liked the ending better.

Instead, I came back to a story with an ending incomplete that days later literally broke my heart. And in the midst of it being incomplete, I knew as a writer what the ending would entail. I had already lived out the answers. Unhappy with the ending, I did what any foolish writer would do. I deleted it. I deleted it in the blink of an eye. My mind never processed the act of highlighting every word in its entirety. Watching the curser blink; I pressed it. Backspace. And, it was all gone. And I could briefly breathe again. I gave up, not only the words, but a broken memory that I wasn't willing to let camp out and replay like a broken record in my mind for days on end. See that’s the problem with stories, you think you know the story but you don't. You remember only the parts you want to remember. And sometimes, you remember different things from what actually was.

It’s funny how strong people act, when everything around them feels like its crashing down; the world has no idea that the person is falling apart. The world sees only what it wants to see. No one knows there's a thunderstorm surrounding, because everyone is focused on the rainbow in the distance. Yeah, she really has it together. But does she? Don't be so sure.

There is magic in the rainbow. I believe so, anyways. I don't want this to become depressing, as depressing as it is. There is a reason that the rainbow is in the distance. There is a reason that the rainbow is huge and expands across the entire sky. It's there as a reminder that, soon, it will all be ok. And maybe you can't see it yet, but all of your friends can, and its there, and its shining brightly for you. When you look at a thunderstorm and you see a rainbow, you forget all the broken branches, and the slippery sidewalks, and the smudged car windows. You can't hear the squeak of wet tennis shoes, and the feeling of the wetness on the back of your jeans is nonexistent because when you look up, you can't see or feel any of that. You see the rainbow shining brightly, and it’s absolutely breathtaking, regardless of the wet rainy mess on the streets.

Six Random Things You Probably Didn't Know

I feel like I've lost myself. I don't even know how it happened. Thus far in my life I've felt so confident in the decisions made and the paths I've traveled. I was always the girl who knew who she was. I was always the one who never needed a man, or anyone for that fact, in her life. I was the one, content to spend the afternoon with coffee and a book. And yet, recently I spend the afternoons with coffee and a book, but I can't remember anything that I read. I can’t remember thoughts, and everything seems hazy. Have you ever lost yourself for hours at a time. Last Sunday, I was a Tulley's and I swear someone was pushing the arms on the clock. Forty five minutes went by, and I couldn't remember. I couldn't remember what I read, what I was thinking or anything. The only clue that life continued on without me was the level of the coffee in my cup.
I've been feeling weird lately. I guess, I am like, the moon, half of me hidden and, once again, I find myself terrified to fully expose myself to anyone in this world. Even when the moon shines, on certain nights, you know that only a sliver glows in the night sky. Some days I feel like the crescent moon- only a portion of myself exposed. How does the moon regain its confidence to shine brightly as a full moon does? Maybe life, in general, is like a lunar cycle.

So I’m not trying to make this blog a depressing one. I’m really not, because I’m happy, in a sense that one should be happy. I am beyond blessed with wonderful friends, loving family members and my belly is full of food each day. I’m not here to complain, maybe I just overanalyze things. I think when I spend time alone; my mind processes everything to the point of being OCD. I’m a bit ridiculous at times, becoming so lost inside of myself, I cannot even focus on the world around me. People will see me around base and wave and say hello, and I barely even notice them. It’s good to be on your own. Ear plugs in, ipod in hand, I like the world better like that.

Six things
 Do you want to know them? Six things about me you don’t already know. If you do know these already, then you must be important and dear to my heart. Whatever, read if you want.

Thing 1: I wanted to be a professional snow skier when I was little. Snow skiing is a sport I learned from my dad. On skis, he might as well have been superman, because even superman couldn’t have skied as great as my dad. So yeah, professional snow skier. Sadly, I grew up in NC, and there just isn’t enough snow to practice on the reg.

2: My favorite physical feature on myself is my hair. I am absolutely in love with my curls. I rarely straighten it, because I feel I am blessed with what other girls don’t have. No matter the color, whether it’s up or down, I love it. I love wearing it in a messy bun on top of my head. I feel, like it makes me look like a real free spirit. I didn’t know that I had beautiful eyes until I joined the navy. Growing up, I guess, I just thought blue eyes were blue. I didn’t realize how great they were until now. If only they worked better. I still feel blind without glasses and since I lost my glasses, I’m just blind when looking at things far away.


3. Think about the act of cutting a plain sheet of white paper into a snowflake. I think people are like snowflakes, and the people you are hurt by are the snippets of paper that aren't necessary to be carried into your future. The pieces that you keep cutting to make the snowflake look beautiful are the snippets of people you don’t need in your life at that point in time. You can’t see it, but after the snippets fall to the floor, you're left beautiful, except you can't see it, because YOU are the snowflake. And the pieces that remained on the floor were necessary to your life, because without them how would you fold the paper to make the snowflake in the first place? Make sense? Just an idea I’ve been thinking about lately. Can the snippets come back? Maybe. I have faith that they can, but where do they fit into your already beautiful made snowflake?

4. Tattoos have been on the top of my list these days. Will they make sense when I’m older? There seems to be a lot of criticism about getting older with tattoos, but honestly, who’s around to guarantee that you’ll make it to your elder years anyways? I could die tomorrow. I might as well decorate my body while I’m young. And when I get old, well I guess I’ll either be old with a tattoo on my leg or be old without one. Who the fuck really cares?

5. When I have a book with me, I’m happy. I could be anywhere. I’m on duty today and my kindle is in my pocket. Books are like chap stick, I can’t go anywhere without it. I just recently finished a book by John Green. I’m a big fan of him as an author. I think it was called, Paper Towns or The Fault in Our Stars. I connect with this one character’s dialogue in the book so well, that when the character died, I just didn’t think I would make it through the day. It was as if I had died as well. I love that feeling after finishing a book, where you just sit there and revel in the brilliance of it. You can’t even move. It’s like you are stuck in a fictional world and you never want to leave. Slowly, you are brought back to reality but you know that you’re reality will never be the same. You are forever changed by the stories and lives of the unreal. I love that.

6. I get self conscious about playing music in front of someone.  I don’t like it if someone is looking through my ipod. The whole time, they scroll, I just think to myself, “There’s a lot of bluegrass. There’s a lot of soundtracks. You aren’t going to find any rap on there. Yeah, you’ll find three albums of Merle Haggard but rap, nope. Not happening.” And sometimes, when I meet someone with really great taste in music, or like, they’re musically compatible with me, I think to myself, “Oh, you’re going to love this. I know exactly what to play for them next.” There seems to be way too much pressure on different tastes in music. And I just really don’t like that.

 

What if

"Get the fuck up,"

I gained the composure to slowly wake myself from the night terror that had continued to haunt me for months. Every night at 03:03am, I woke myself up in a sweat, feeling panicky, like I had forgotten something, but I could never remember what it was I forgot. I got out of bed and tip toed slowly to the bathroom, being careful not to wake up the roommate, Alicia. My toes bent as they grazed the wooden floor boards creaking in rhythm to my steps. My body ached. I cracked my knuckles and threw my hair into a messy bun on the top of my head. The headband had fallen out in the middle of the night, so I readjusted it to the top of my head. The floor was trashed with clothes scattered from the night before. God knows why my leg hurt. As I looked in the mirror my eyes looked gaunt and dark. What the hell happened last night?

"Oh my gosh I'm soooo thirsty. Drink the entire nalgene. You wanted to dehydrate me last night."

I'm loosing it. I heard whispers circling my head. What is wrong with me? It echoed as I unbuttoned my pants. If that's not weird, I don't know what is. Who was in the room with me? Alicia was still sleeping.

"Fuck. I hope you're ready for this."

All of a sudden I felt it. I felt that warm putrid feeling in the back of my throat. The stomach acid tasted sweet as it rose higher and higher. The bitterness filled my mouth and I grabbed the rim of the toilet, as the forceful expulsion of last nights activities came out. Ugh, I'm still drunk. As I finished expelling the leftover alcohol from last night, I made out what the voice was saying.

"You wanted to drink.You knew it was too much. You knew it would hurt me in the morning. You have absolutely no respect."

I wiped my mouth, grabbed a dollop of toothpaste and applied it to my toothbrush. Are you serious? So my stomach talks to me now...It has its own voice. You have got to be kidding me?

______________________________________________________________________________

What if your stomach talked to you after a night of drinking? What if it talked to you after a feast of taco bell? Just thinking some crazy thoughts, I guess.

One Year

 I'm indecisive. If we go out to eat somewhere and we sit down, don't get too comfortable. I'll probably ask to switch seats with you.  If you love me, you'll accept this fact and realize that its a part of me. I'm never going to be completely happy or completely sure of myself. I'm never going to truly make up my mind about anything. Just accept the fact that I make 100% of my decisions based on my own happiness. Does that sound selfish? Probably. So, yes, I care about others, but if you always put yourself first, you know for a fact that you're going to have a good time.  There's an old Dixie Chick's song called, Don't Waste Your Heart," that I absolutely love. I've played it over and over again for the last five years because sometimes it just clicks with me. The lyrics are below.

"I've got nothin' to lose and nothin' to gain
And don't waste your heart on a wild thing
She's got a soul that won't settle on one thing
Whoa this bird can't sing when you've tied its wings"

No one knows what they're doing, do they? I mean really. No one knows. You know what really blows my mind? Think about where you were a year ago, and now think about where you are today. What's the same? Well, I've got a cup of coffee sitting on the table. It's hot and the lid is off. I almost never drink coffee with the lid still on. A friend pointed out to me, that I always drink it with two hands, too. He was right, I've been drinking coffee for a long time and I always do lift it to my mouth both hands hugging the cup. Sarah (Thomas) is still sitting next to me. We may be in a different country but there is a certainty in sitting with her at a coffee shop, no words are needed, no matter where we are in the world.  I've still got a pair of leather moccasins to walk around in. They are weathered and worn in, oh, but the places they've been. Eric Church is still sweeping me off my feet on my ipod, and there's a book next to my coffee. Naturally, some things will never change. Oh, thankfully, I am still writing too. God, my life would be in shackles if I couldn't write. Whether it be on a computer or with a pen or journal.

What's different? I'm single. Technically, I was single last year too. I will not expand on this at this time. My hair is a lot longer now. I've always loved my hair. I love the simplicity and ease it takes to fix it after a shower. Its as long as its been in a while. The color is different. I don't know what it is about women and break ups but I always want to do something visually drastic after becoming single again. The color is a dark mahogany brown color. There is a shade of purple and red that shines through in the sun. Last year, my hair was a dark brown/blackish color. Don't ask me why I thought it looked good. Did it? It made my eyes stand out, but I think that may have been the only plus. T

The biggest change I've seen in my life within the past year are the people I've chosen to surround myself with. You could call them friends, but I think family would be a better word to use. Yes, I still have Thomas but new friendships have developed. Some are so strong they make me question how I ever survived without them. One of my good friends, Jon Garza, seen below, is leaving on Wednesday to transfer to San Diego.

 

 

I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that he will succeed at anything he does when he gets there. Whether it be in his navy career or his personal life. I know that he's probably freaking out about the next chapter, but if he just steps back to enjoy the ride, he'll be absolutely fine. Yesterday a small group of us went to Yokohama for one of Garza's last get together. We opened a bottle of wine on the ferris wheel, and cheers'ed the night away shot after shot for him. So many memories have been made and there are so many more to come. I guess I should start being OK with saying goodbye, because after Garza, it will be just as hard when Britany leaves, too. But you know what makes all of it OK? This year, I am writing about what is the same in my life after a year. So next year, I can just imagine myself putting Garza, and Britany in the same category, of yeah these people are still here.. What's the same after a year? Family is. I am in control of what remains constant in my life and that's the cool part. Family is constant, no matter what. This much I have learned. No matter whats been going on in my life, they've been there. Miles apart won't change that.

So, I can't get anymore pictures on here, because its deleted itself twice. I'm not okay with trying again. It's exhausting re-writing thoughts, so I apologize Pyne, you don't have a picture. Last year, I didn't have a twin, but this year, I wonder how I survived Japan a year without you. You know that Taylor Swift song, "I'm Only me When I'm With You," well that's what I think of, when I think of her. OK, so the lines below aren't in order, but they are all my favorite parts.

"And I don't try to hide my tears.
The secrets or my deepest fears.
Through it all nobody gets me like you do.
I'm only me when I'm with you.

When I'm with anybody else it's so hard to be myself.
Only you can tell."

So even if I don't know who I am I know that I love the person I am when she is around me. I just think life is more fun with her around. Do you have someone in your life that just brings sunshine in? That's what she does.  I know without a doubt that she will be with me, for many more years to come.

Don't get pregnant twin, I can't handle a goodbye from you yet.

What else is different? I don't know. What else will change? Everything probably. Everything and nothing. Am I different personality wise? Yes, but the person inside is the same. So, stay you, no matter what. Stay who you are and respect the people who are constant and true in your life. In a year, we shall re-evaluate things.

DG

 

 

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Influence of Sound

Remember discmans? I remember my first cd player. It was a discman dinosaur! Do you remember having to carefully balance it, just so, on your lap? It was always important to find the proper placement of a discman to ensure that the cd didn't skip. It could not ever be turned on its side. I would get so aggravated when my mom was driving the car and we would hit a bump.  Or worse, we'd hit an entire bumpy road to drive down. Ughh. I remember the distress in that. Think about how easy it is to plug an ipod into a car stereo now a days. When I used my discman as a kid, I had to plug it into a tape adapter. I guess that's just one more thing kids these days will never experience.

 So, I don't have my notes or journal with me, currently, but I really want to focus on sounds today. Have you ever thought about losing one or more of your senses. Imagine your childhood without sight, touch, taste or smell. The only way you can remember your childhood is by ear. What do you remember hearing? There are specific sounds that come to mind when I reminisce. Interesting enough, though, its not all music.

1.) We had a trompoline in our backyard when I was a kid. I don't know where it came from. I think the neighbors moved and my dad allowed my brother and I to drag it over to our backyard when they left it behind. It wasn't fancy. There was no safety net. This was the nineties. A cushion for the springs didn't exist and we recieved this trampoline with at least 3 or 4 missing springs. Why my dad let us play on this thing unattended beats the hell outta me. Many days were spent jumping with the olther kids on the cul-de-sac. Many nights were spent laying out watching the stars. Many hotdogs, watermelons, chips, and hamburgers were consumed on this trampoline. Many games of truth and dare were played with the other kids in the neighborhood. If this trampoline could talk, oh the stories it could tell us. Whenever my dad jumped on it with me and Jonathan were the best times. We used to play this game called popcorn. He was so heavy and we were so light that whenever he jumped we would sit curled up in a little ball and wait for him to bounce us 6 feet high like popcorn kernals. It never got old. The constant, unrhythmic noises related to this trampoline still play in the back of my head. I can see my gappy toothed self giggling as my dad would pop me into the air as I was wearing ugly lion king shorts. Taking away all of the smiles and silent actions, you are with springs squeaking and unmuffled, free spirited giggles.

2.) Do you remember those merry go round rides below.  The liability are the cause of its slow extinction. What were parents thinking letting us on these things? I remember the distinct creaks these things made as its spun in a dangerous whirlwind. As you were spinning, the entire world disappeared. All you had to do was tip your head back and let the wind wash all the worries away.

4.) On a child's list of fabulous things falls McDonalds and the ice cream truck. Seriously, hearing the ice cream truck music on a summer day, what more could you ask for when you're 8. I heard a joke one time about a dad that told his child if the music was playing, the truck was out of ice cream. Cruel, but hilarious all the same. I would always buy the power ranger pop, snoopy or the flintstone push up pop. What did you buy?

5.) Do you remember blowing into the nintendo games to make them work? Yeah, that noise. That noise will forever remain on my list of noises encountered in my childhood. Many days spent tilting side to side on the curvy roats, playing mario kart, trying to avoid the slippery bananas. Remember those races?

6.)"Marco?"....."Polo!!!!!!" Are any more words needed?

7.) "Light as a feather, stiff as a board." "Light as a feather, stiff as a board" "Light as a feather, stiff as a board." I played that game all the time at sleepovers with girlfriends. I don't know why we thought it was so cool. We never lifted anyone off the floor, but as everyone whispered, it was like I almost got lost in a trance. All of us focused on one desire. 12 years old, completely clueless about life.

8.) My dad recieved his first banjo when I was younger. This was a rough time for me. My dad is a very talented musician, but when he first picked up the banjo, he would come into my room and wake me up for school playing it. It sounded like two cans banging together three inches from me ears. He's better at it now.

9.) I spent one summer, one whole summer, on my bike. I rode it everywhere. No shoes, rarely a helmet. The continual clicking of the gears as I peddled uphill or soared downhill is a sound that comes to mind. An almost, second nature sound that people often forget about. Maybe this whole idea is stupid, but taking out the other senses really helps me focus on the passions I had as a child. Even, if my passions only exsisted of ice cream, and marco polo. At least, that's something.

DG

10 Things

My best friend here in Japan, Kirsten Pyne, is absolutely amazing. I owe this whole blog to her. I'm not sure if it was me who convinced her to start writing or it was something inside of her stirring, but she is commited to keeping a blog as well. I love seeing others excitement in writing. It makes me feel like a proud school teacher.
Anyways, she used this prompt from a Tumbler photo bucket thing or something. The idea  goes like this. I want to submit one post each day.

Here is the link to Kirsten's blog.

http://kirstenpynee.blogspot.jp/ Check it out!!

1.) Its funny what time can do to change things. You are simply IT. My life would suck without you. From inside jokes, wine nights, or just a shoulder to cry on. I am so thankful to have you in my life. Your emotions are my emotions. If your upset, I am too. If your happy, I try to be too. I am so blessed to have a friend like you here in Japan. Don't get pregnant. I can't survive this place without you.

2.) Lady, can you please not be so far away? I see why long distance relationships never work out because THEY SUCK. You put so much support into me and my decisions. I would be nowhere without you standing beside me. I promise when were less broke, we'll go to India and explore. Loves you! And if we never find men in our lives, we can marry each other, and be completely happy with one another. I won't even complain that you snore.

3.) You're acting ridiculous. I thought you were an adult that could handle life. I love you, no matter what and I'll be the bigger person. I miss you every single day but I refuse to sit around. I deserve the best. If you can't give me that, I'm wasting my time. No one should make me feel like I have no worth.

4.) Hi sweetie. I know that things are changing in your life but you are beautiful and bring such light to everyone's life. My mom couldn't make it through this whole navy thing without you. I am so proud of the young lady you are growing up to be. Don't feel like you aren't the shining star in the family. You'll always have a special place with me.

5.) You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away. We just spent like a week + not talking. Can we not do that again, please? I nearly died.

6.) We aren't ever mushy to each other. We don't have to be. The love is there. Should we say I love you more often? I would hate for something to happen to one of us and regret not saying it more often. Actions speak louder than words. Memories live in my head regardless of how far away we are. I promise not to let our hopes and dreams fade.

7.) Without you, music would not be such a crucial part of my life. I talk about you all the time. The moves you've made and the turns your life has taken gives me hope that life isn't about money but rather pleasing yourself first. I hope that when I grow up I find passion in my work, as you do. That's a lesson that many people aren't given.

8.) I hope that I can find the love that you have found. I couldn't have grown up and taken notes on marriage from a better couple. You guys must be doing something right. You give me hope when everything around me sends me signals to give up on love.

9.) You are such a beautiful girl. I am so glad that I have one less thing to worry about because he has you. You are an inspiration to me. Your music is beautiful and I love that your advice is so honest. Please never ever break up because I think it would hurt me more than it would hurt him.

10.) Who are you? Why do you behave like a child? I have absolutely no respect for you. Mind your own business. The world doesn't revolve around you. Your attitude is nasty. You can cover your face with make up, but beauty comes from within. I see right through that shit.

Granddaddy Jake

.. .  .  .. .. .. .  .. ..     . .  .  . 
.. ..     .  .  .     .  .    ..        .
   .     .              ..          .    

My mom always told me I had a little Granddaddy Jake in me. As a child I never understood what she meant. I remember lifting my arms up searching, "Granddaddy, you under there?" Gosh, adults are so ridiculous.

In later years, I learned that this meant I was hard headed, and stubborn. She meant I was strong willed and said exactly what was on my mind. This is not always a good thing, I will add. I think God made me without a filter on my mouth. Before I can do anything, whoops, there goes... Whatever I shouldn't have said  flies right out of my mouth and lands in deadening silence. Trouble follows in close pursuit. Lord, here I am in trouble again. I guess my granddad, had a problem filtering his thoughts for people as well. You could be sure- when talking to either of us- you'd hear our opinion. Whether you asked for our opinion or not, there it is. And we don't believe in sugar coating, either.

One of the reasons I love to bake so much is because my mom always tells me that I look just like my grandma Doris. Well, I don't remember her, but I know she remembers me before she passed away. I was born two months early. Why? No one knows. Of all places, I was born in New Jersey. Shhh...don't spread that around. I don't like people thinking I am from the north. Anyways, two weeks after I was born, grandma Doris passed away. I believe that I was born early just so that she could meet me. That, somewhere, we were destined to have a connection before she passed on. Anyways, my favorite item to bake are oatmeal raisin cookies. I have this really great recipe that I have been using for years now, amongst the family. When I joined the military, my brother was highly upset because no one would be around to make them.

I loved making them for my uncle, but also for my granddad. The cookies just disappear if you put a plate in front of him. When I first started baking cookies for Christmas, one batch was enough. With Brooke's help, now it takes at least two or three.

How is it that when you are a kid, you never want to take naps but as you grow older, you wish you had more time to sleep? Granddaddy loved to take naps. If he wasn't in the kitchen reading, you could be sure to find him dozing on the front porch at the river. One day he was sleeping on the front porch with his mouth wide open. Me, Jon and Aunt Denise put chocolate syrup in his mouth. We were caught chocolate handed.

I used to love sitting with my granddad while he was reading his books. They came in green plastic containers. No fancy book cover, just the title inked in braille. These were books on tape (because my Granddad was blind, if you didn't know). Sometimes I would sit down without him realizing that I was listening. My granddad liked listening to a lot of books about sex. Yeah, I probably shouldn't have been listening. But at a young age, I was fascinated with where books could take you. Most parents filter what children watch on tv, but my parent never filtered what I read. I won't lie, I was a good kid but if I could get my hands on it, I would read whatever I could. Probably more adult books than I was ready for, but hell, Mom was just glad I was reading.

Let's see my Granddad introduced me to fried chicken livers. He prefers his with country gravy. I like mine dry with green beans and mashed potatoes. I loved that my granddad was blind sometimes. I know, that is a terrible thing to say, but how else was I suppose to steal a liver without him looking? Man, I used to get away with murder stealing livers off his plate. If I would have asked, he would have given me some, but it seemed like so much fun the other way.


My granddad passed away while I was underway. I was out to sea using a pay phone to call home.  I remember where I was when I got this sinking feeling. Mom couldn't call me. She could only email. I began calling her more frequently when I heard the news of Granddaddy being sick. I called after seeing an email from Mom that he had passed away. Emails suck. I don't blame mom. She didn't have a choice in the matter. I called and there was nothing more to say.

Its very hard dealing with death out to sea. There was no grief on my part. Things still felt the same. I missed the funeral. I wasn't home for my mom and family. I missed the first Christmas without him. My friends comforted me but it was so surreal. It was like it never happened. I manned the rails about a week after Granddaddy passed away and it was on the flight deck in my dress whites that I truly felt his presence. Granddaddy believed that all young men and women should join the service and do at least four years to get valuable work experience. I think he may have been sad to have never had the opportunity due to his blindness.

He was so proud when I told him I was joining. After coming home for the leave for the first time. He touched my hands and said he knew I was doing great things. He judged a man on how rough their hands were. "If your hands aren't rough, you ain't working. And if you ain't working, you're a sorry man." I live by that still today. As long as you are working, you'll be okay. He used to call me his sailor girl. And it was there on that flight deck that I made the decision to volunteer to man the rails every single port visit for my granddad. Most people hate manning the rails. It consists of standing at parade rest, not talking and getting your whites dirty. But for me, I found my Granddad there. And my name was on the list every time.

When I was a little girl, my granddad (or Mom, I'm not sure) put bells on my shoelaces so my granddaddy could keep up without seeing me. I would run around his apartment and there was no hiding because I was ringing with every step I took. After his death, I attached a bell to my ankle bracelet. It's been on ever since. With each step I take, I jingle. Its easy for me to find my granddad but just in case he can't see from heaven...I know he can hear my bells.

Now that I am home, it's not hard to find his spirit. I find him on the front porch swing at the river. I find him in a red solo cup of tobacco spit. (I try not to look for him there though. He accidentally spit on my shoe when I was seven. And, I don't think I'm over it yet.) I dine with him at the heritage house, and think of him whenever my mouth speaks before my minds thinks. I am stubborn. I am hard headed. And I make life much more complicated that it needs to be. I have a sailor mouth, and I'm rough around the edges, but if anyone is proud, he still is.