10 Things

My best friend here in Japan, Kirsten Pyne, is absolutely amazing. I owe this whole blog to her. I'm not sure if it was me who convinced her to start writing or it was something inside of her stirring, but she is commited to keeping a blog as well. I love seeing others excitement in writing. It makes me feel like a proud school teacher.
Anyways, she used this prompt from a Tumbler photo bucket thing or something. The idea  goes like this. I want to submit one post each day.

Here is the link to Kirsten's blog.

http://kirstenpynee.blogspot.jp/ Check it out!!

1.) Its funny what time can do to change things. You are simply IT. My life would suck without you. From inside jokes, wine nights, or just a shoulder to cry on. I am so thankful to have you in my life. Your emotions are my emotions. If your upset, I am too. If your happy, I try to be too. I am so blessed to have a friend like you here in Japan. Don't get pregnant. I can't survive this place without you.

2.) Lady, can you please not be so far away? I see why long distance relationships never work out because THEY SUCK. You put so much support into me and my decisions. I would be nowhere without you standing beside me. I promise when were less broke, we'll go to India and explore. Loves you! And if we never find men in our lives, we can marry each other, and be completely happy with one another. I won't even complain that you snore.

3.) You're acting ridiculous. I thought you were an adult that could handle life. I love you, no matter what and I'll be the bigger person. I miss you every single day but I refuse to sit around. I deserve the best. If you can't give me that, I'm wasting my time. No one should make me feel like I have no worth.

4.) Hi sweetie. I know that things are changing in your life but you are beautiful and bring such light to everyone's life. My mom couldn't make it through this whole navy thing without you. I am so proud of the young lady you are growing up to be. Don't feel like you aren't the shining star in the family. You'll always have a special place with me.

5.) You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away. We just spent like a week + not talking. Can we not do that again, please? I nearly died.

6.) We aren't ever mushy to each other. We don't have to be. The love is there. Should we say I love you more often? I would hate for something to happen to one of us and regret not saying it more often. Actions speak louder than words. Memories live in my head regardless of how far away we are. I promise not to let our hopes and dreams fade.

7.) Without you, music would not be such a crucial part of my life. I talk about you all the time. The moves you've made and the turns your life has taken gives me hope that life isn't about money but rather pleasing yourself first. I hope that when I grow up I find passion in my work, as you do. That's a lesson that many people aren't given.

8.) I hope that I can find the love that you have found. I couldn't have grown up and taken notes on marriage from a better couple. You guys must be doing something right. You give me hope when everything around me sends me signals to give up on love.

9.) You are such a beautiful girl. I am so glad that I have one less thing to worry about because he has you. You are an inspiration to me. Your music is beautiful and I love that your advice is so honest. Please never ever break up because I think it would hurt me more than it would hurt him.

10.) Who are you? Why do you behave like a child? I have absolutely no respect for you. Mind your own business. The world doesn't revolve around you. Your attitude is nasty. You can cover your face with make up, but beauty comes from within. I see right through that shit.

Granddaddy Jake

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My mom always told me I had a little Granddaddy Jake in me. As a child I never understood what she meant. I remember lifting my arms up searching, "Granddaddy, you under there?" Gosh, adults are so ridiculous.

In later years, I learned that this meant I was hard headed, and stubborn. She meant I was strong willed and said exactly what was on my mind. This is not always a good thing, I will add. I think God made me without a filter on my mouth. Before I can do anything, whoops, there goes... Whatever I shouldn't have said  flies right out of my mouth and lands in deadening silence. Trouble follows in close pursuit. Lord, here I am in trouble again. I guess my granddad, had a problem filtering his thoughts for people as well. You could be sure- when talking to either of us- you'd hear our opinion. Whether you asked for our opinion or not, there it is. And we don't believe in sugar coating, either.

One of the reasons I love to bake so much is because my mom always tells me that I look just like my grandma Doris. Well, I don't remember her, but I know she remembers me before she passed away. I was born two months early. Why? No one knows. Of all places, I was born in New Jersey. Shhh...don't spread that around. I don't like people thinking I am from the north. Anyways, two weeks after I was born, grandma Doris passed away. I believe that I was born early just so that she could meet me. That, somewhere, we were destined to have a connection before she passed on. Anyways, my favorite item to bake are oatmeal raisin cookies. I have this really great recipe that I have been using for years now, amongst the family. When I joined the military, my brother was highly upset because no one would be around to make them.

I loved making them for my uncle, but also for my granddad. The cookies just disappear if you put a plate in front of him. When I first started baking cookies for Christmas, one batch was enough. With Brooke's help, now it takes at least two or three.

How is it that when you are a kid, you never want to take naps but as you grow older, you wish you had more time to sleep? Granddaddy loved to take naps. If he wasn't in the kitchen reading, you could be sure to find him dozing on the front porch at the river. One day he was sleeping on the front porch with his mouth wide open. Me, Jon and Aunt Denise put chocolate syrup in his mouth. We were caught chocolate handed.

I used to love sitting with my granddad while he was reading his books. They came in green plastic containers. No fancy book cover, just the title inked in braille. These were books on tape (because my Granddad was blind, if you didn't know). Sometimes I would sit down without him realizing that I was listening. My granddad liked listening to a lot of books about sex. Yeah, I probably shouldn't have been listening. But at a young age, I was fascinated with where books could take you. Most parents filter what children watch on tv, but my parent never filtered what I read. I won't lie, I was a good kid but if I could get my hands on it, I would read whatever I could. Probably more adult books than I was ready for, but hell, Mom was just glad I was reading.

Let's see my Granddad introduced me to fried chicken livers. He prefers his with country gravy. I like mine dry with green beans and mashed potatoes. I loved that my granddad was blind sometimes. I know, that is a terrible thing to say, but how else was I suppose to steal a liver without him looking? Man, I used to get away with murder stealing livers off his plate. If I would have asked, he would have given me some, but it seemed like so much fun the other way.


My granddad passed away while I was underway. I was out to sea using a pay phone to call home.  I remember where I was when I got this sinking feeling. Mom couldn't call me. She could only email. I began calling her more frequently when I heard the news of Granddaddy being sick. I called after seeing an email from Mom that he had passed away. Emails suck. I don't blame mom. She didn't have a choice in the matter. I called and there was nothing more to say.

Its very hard dealing with death out to sea. There was no grief on my part. Things still felt the same. I missed the funeral. I wasn't home for my mom and family. I missed the first Christmas without him. My friends comforted me but it was so surreal. It was like it never happened. I manned the rails about a week after Granddaddy passed away and it was on the flight deck in my dress whites that I truly felt his presence. Granddaddy believed that all young men and women should join the service and do at least four years to get valuable work experience. I think he may have been sad to have never had the opportunity due to his blindness.

He was so proud when I told him I was joining. After coming home for the leave for the first time. He touched my hands and said he knew I was doing great things. He judged a man on how rough their hands were. "If your hands aren't rough, you ain't working. And if you ain't working, you're a sorry man." I live by that still today. As long as you are working, you'll be okay. He used to call me his sailor girl. And it was there on that flight deck that I made the decision to volunteer to man the rails every single port visit for my granddad. Most people hate manning the rails. It consists of standing at parade rest, not talking and getting your whites dirty. But for me, I found my Granddad there. And my name was on the list every time.

When I was a little girl, my granddad (or Mom, I'm not sure) put bells on my shoelaces so my granddaddy could keep up without seeing me. I would run around his apartment and there was no hiding because I was ringing with every step I took. After his death, I attached a bell to my ankle bracelet. It's been on ever since. With each step I take, I jingle. Its easy for me to find my granddad but just in case he can't see from heaven...I know he can hear my bells.

Now that I am home, it's not hard to find his spirit. I find him on the front porch swing at the river. I find him in a red solo cup of tobacco spit. (I try not to look for him there though. He accidentally spit on my shoe when I was seven. And, I don't think I'm over it yet.) I dine with him at the heritage house, and think of him whenever my mouth speaks before my minds thinks. I am stubborn. I am hard headed. And I make life much more complicated that it needs to be. I have a sailor mouth, and I'm rough around the edges, but if anyone is proud, he still is.

Lady Ganesa (Part 2)

DISCLAIMER: I absolutely love elephants. If you do too, and you have a faint heart, do not read below. You were warned.

Skip down farther for part 2, if you have already read the first part.

I felt the sting with every lash as the whip rose and snapped behind the man's head. As the whip came down piercing my skin, I watched the sweat dribble down his nose. It pooled into a small bead in his left nostril. During the split second he reached to wipe the sweat from his nose, I regained my composure to take the next assault. But how long would I survive? My body thrashed in pain, and I hung my trunk low to the ground. It seemed the lower I bent my head, the safer I was, but there was no escaping this, no matter how close to the ground I was. There was no escaping the belittling, abuse and inherent torture that life had handed to me. Again and again, as I was whipped, I cried in agony. I stayed like this for months. For months, I was lost. Not only was I lost, I was hungry, and I was tired. I was scared.

When I was eleven months old, I was taken from captivity.  I was ripped away from my mother violently.  The only good in my life slashed in half right in front of me. As I think back to my training period, I remember how faint the good days were in my mind.  In the very beginning, I saw my mother in my head often. I saw nature and the mountains, and lots of lakes to bathe, swim and play in. As the beatings got tougher, and the elephant hook prodded deeper, those pictures of goodness and happiness faded. I lost myself, I lost the pictures of my mother in my head. I surrendered. I was defeated. I surrendered to the beatings. I surrendered to the men, and I surrendered to ever disobeying again. I was now a trained circus elephant.
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Six months had gone by. I had endured six months of hell. Did I have any idea what I'd been dragged into? Did I have any idea of what I had survived? I would never know. All of the brutal training days blurred together in an endless journey to the center of hell. Each horrid memory a step closer to a burning frenzy, where my body evaporated with every thought, like a flesh eating disease. And to think, that it was just the beginning. At least my hind legs were no longer tied to tree trunks. They were now loosely chained to a pen the size of a small automobile. When I tried sitting, the chains sat uncomfortably underneath me, so that my skin grew tough on my upper thigh region on both sides, as the months progressed. In my show days, they would cover my rough skin and scars with colorful paint and capes as to hide all of the inhumane acts I received.

My heart was shattered. Destroyed. My mind. I had absolutely no idea who I was. I was lost and my life had been reduced to nothing. There were other elephants. I watched them from my pen as I stood motionless. Half of them were dazed, stoned like teenage pot smokers. They stood with their trunks hanging low and mouths closed. Their eyes squinting, focusing on everything but nothing, all in the same moment. Others you could put in an insane asylum. I watched as the elephants bobbed their heads up and down, up and down, up and down. Uncontrollably, they swayed back and forth in an uneven rhythm. Whether I was crazy or not. I was unsure. It had become evident that all of us were in a trance, stuck in a life of fogginess that we couldn't break. The humans robbed us of our good spirits and replaced it with gloom.

Lady Ganesa

I feel like my mind is constantly in a clutter of chaos. I like to compare my mind to tangled Christmas tree lights. As frustrating as tangled lights are, even in a jumbled messy ball, the lights are still beautiful. You can tell that the lights have a purpose and even though they are tangled, they are still glowing in defiance. With enough effort and focus if you separate the strands, glowing brilliance is returned to you. I know my mind and thoughts have a purpose. I know that every time I sit down at a computer chair, something inside of me is dying to be written. I believe that, I really do. It's so hard to have patience in straightening out one's mind when all you want to do, is just give up and throw the lights in the corner.

There's 1,440 minutes in a day. Who's got time to write on such a beautiful weekend? Check this website out. It's called the One Minute Writer. There are loads of prompts that can be used to help creative juices flow when sometimes you're just stumped.  

http://oneminutewriter.blogspot.jp/2008/11/todays-writing-prompt-adult.html

I use it often when I just can't focus. The idea is to answer one of the prompts and write for simply one minute. Some days I write more and others I stop at one minute. It's interesting to see what I come up with when I have a deadline set for myself. Anyways, the link to the website is above, if you are interested.

I haven't written any fiction lately so, here you go. A made up story about an elephant named Madame Ganesa. 

DISCLAIMER: I absolutely love elephants. If you do too, and you have a faint heart, do not read below. You were warned.

I felt the sting with every lash as the whip rose and snapped behind the man's head. As the lash came down piercing my skin, I watched the sweat dribble down his nose. It pooled into a small bead in his left nostril. During the split second he reached to wipe the sweat from his nose, I regained my composure to take the next assault. But how long would I survive? My body thrashed in pain, and I hung my trunk low to the ground. It seemed the lower I bent my head, the safer I was, but there was no escaping this, no matter how close to the ground I was. There was no escaping the belittling, abuse and inherent torture that life had handed to me. Again and again, as I was whipped, I cried in agony. I stayed like this for months. For months, I was lost. Not only was I lost, I was hungry, and I was tired. And I was scared.

When I was eleven months old, I was taken from captivity.  I was ripped away from my mother violently.  The only good in my life slashed in half right in front of me. As I think back to my training period, I remember how faint the good days were in my mind.  In the very beginning, I saw my mother in my head often. I saw nature and the mountains, and lots of lakes to bathe, swim and play in. As the beatings got tougher, and the elephant hook prodded deeper, those pictures of goodness and happiness faded. I lost myself, I lost the pictures of my mother in my head. I surrendered. I was defeated. I surrendered to the beatings. I surrendered to the men, and I surrendered to ever disobeying again. I was now a trained circus elephant.

Be on the lookout for my next blog update to follow the story of Lady Ganesa. Hope you've enjoyed yourself and I didn't break your heart. 

And That's What Makes You Beautiful

 

(Beauty is so corrupt these days. A person very close to my heart is beautiful, and I'm not so sure she always knows it. Just in case, I've written her this list...this is why she's so beautiful. Oh, and here's a Jack Johnson song to listen to while you're reading.)

1.) I think you have a nice reading voice. You taught me to love to read as a child and its followed me my entire life. People think I'm crazy for reading so much. I think they are wrong, but if they're right, at least we'll be crazy together.
2.) You’re my mom and I am yours and always will be. There are no unnecessary break ups that I will ever have to endure with you.
3.) You are such a wonderful christian woman but I love that you laugh at vulgar jokes.
4.) You are so good at cooking, especially chicken livers. I know that the oil pops on your fore arms and burns but you still make them for me. I love that.
5.) I love that when we take pictures together, you say, "No take it sideways and point to make sure they only take it boobs up. That is so funny to me.
6.) You are so beautiful when you are laughing so hard until you accidentally start coughing. I know I should be worried when you do this but its still so beautiful that we are laughing so hard.
7.) You used to scratch my back when I was a child before I went to sleep. I wish I had someone to do that for me now.
8.) Our dog is fat. You say the neighbors feed her and you are away a lot but you take good care of her.

9.) You are such an adventurous woman. I know we didn't have a lot growing up but that's what made learn to appreciate nature. You did everything and didn't rely on a man. Maybe that is why I am so damn independent. You set up the tent, built the fire, cut the bushes, painted the walls and never stopped to ask for help. I admire that so much. I believe that you are so hardworking, and it makes you so accomplished.
10.) You are such a style savvy woman. You dress your age and your body type. You always make sure you look your best before walking out the door. You taught me alot about being beautifully you no matter where you go (with or with very little make up)
11.) When I was poor in college, you were too, but we never starved.
12.) I can count on you for practically anything. No seriously, anything..."Mom, how do you do this..." "Mom I need help with this.." You seem to have a vast knowledge of everything. You are better than google. Thank goodness for phones, and technology because I couldn't do this whole 10,000 miles away thing without talking to you every single day.

13.) You are kind of bossy but always take control of a situation, especially when people need you. Like during funerals or family gatherings. You just dive in and help even if its just doing to dishes or getting the kids out of the way.
14.) You put others first no matter what. You will work yourself to exhaustion before you stop and breathe. And seriously, you need to chill and relax sometimes but everything is always so put together when you do something. You have the most generous heart I've ever seen. Hopefully, I'm hardworking for the rest of my life like you.
15.) You don't judge others and always believe that there's good in people. Think about this one. THIS IS SO HARD. You find at least one good thing in everyone and I think that that's magical.
16.) You drove me to Steak and Shake at 1230a on a school night for fries and milkshakes to ease my nerves about a test.
17.) Another thing, you were great at helping me study growing up. I think you could have taken the test and passed, you quizzed me so much. I see that has rubbed off on me, by me helping my friends study with their air warfare test.
18.) You didn't push me to get straight A's. You understood that math just wasn't my thing.
19.) You bought salt and vinegar chips for me and Jon even though you hated them. And twizzlers too.
20.) You appreciate anything. Any gift, note, food, present. Its pleasing to you no matter how much it cost, whether its homemade or a weed from outside.
21.) You like to shop and I love going with you. You are great at buying things at the right price. I love that you taught me not to throw my money away.
22.) You are determined. You don't give up. You are so strong.

23.) You have a Christmas gift for just about everyone-even if its just a small cross or card. I send cards to many people too. I get that from you.
24.) You have a nice name. Be, nice with an R in the middle. Bernice. I've always loved spelling it.
25.) I love it when you tell me that I remind you of your mom when I bake, or when you say I'm stubborn like Granddaddy Jake. It makes me proud that I am so connected to my family.
26.) You have great handwriting. and you are great at your job. I love that you love what you do. That's why I'm not settling for anything that doesn't make me happy.
27.) OK so you aren't as good at drinking coffee or wine as I am, but sitting at the river with a movie and coffee or wine is wonderful with you. You are great company and a wonderful conversationalist.

28.) You like sharing banana splits but would never buy one for just you. You realize the importance of company.
29.) You have great legs and beautiful eyes. Thanks for passing those genes to me.
30.) You left the Christmas tree up when I came home for leave in February and you didn't even make me take it down. We listened to Micheal Buble Christmas music and it didn't matter that it was already past Christmas.
31.) You have great taste in music and are open to listening to anything on my ipod. I love the way you sing in church, too. You inspire Brooke to sing and there is surely beauty in bringing others closer to the Lord.
32.) Someone could say any sort of advice to me but I won't feel better about the situation until I hear it from you.
33.) You hate scary movies but always allowed me and Jon to stay up late and eat junk food into the wee hours of the morning hanging out.

34.) You're real. You never said don't smoke or don't drink. I don't have to lie to you or be ashamed. You know I drink. You buy me wine and Jon beer. I think its important that you treated us like adults when we became adults.
35.) Dude, you put up with slumber parties when I was younger. 8 girls in the house all night and by morning there'd be a breakfast casserole in the oven and a smile on your face. The amount of patience you had and still have is endless.
36.) You are my best friend. The best, I'll ever have throughout my life. You showed me what friendship is through Jacqui. That friendship is one I want to be able to experience. 30 plus years!

37.) You shave your legs everyday, and taught me to shave mine! This def calls for a thanks.
38.) You value every minute we have together. I know you'll be here for me no matter what, and I don't want to take you for granted ever. I realize how lucky I am to have you in my life when you lost your mom so young.
39.) I don't know how I turned out to be such an optimistic in life. I get excited about corn and cottage cheese and a dumb letter. Maybe my optimism came from you. I know you were sad at times, but you were always seemed so happy. I may not be happy always but I always seem it, ya know?
40.) OK, last one, I have to make it a good one...I know how much you loved your dad. You were there for him for everything. I know losing your dad was one of the hardest things you've done in your life but you and Aunt Denise handled it so well. When I wanted nothing else but be home, and couldn't be, you understood. You handled the situation, and remembered all the good times we had with granddaddy. I admire you so much for that.

And these are just but a few of the reasons that you are so beautiful. This list was so easy to write I could go on forever with many more reasons that you are so truly beautiful but whenever you're feeling down, you can turn to this and never forgot how much you're worth and how much I love you. You are a beautiful woman, inside and out that I am truly proud of.

 





"Look Inside"

I use amazon.com for everything. One of my favorite features (pre-kindle and nook era) is the "Look Inside" feature when buying a book. For those of you who are not technologically saavy, the "Look Inside" feature is deeper look at the book that you are about to purchase. If you are buying a paperback in the stores, all you can see is the back cover synopsis but with Amazon you get reader reviews, the back synopsis and even a feature to go to whatever page you want and read directly out of the book, i.e: "Look Inside."

Honestly it's 2013, who wants to buy a book by just reading the back cover with so many options available. When I buy a book sometimes, I'm like, "Okay this is good, I'll buy it" but most of the time, I'm thinking, "Umm, I need more before I throw down $14.00 on this."

Currently, I've been experiencing writer's block. It's absolutely terrible if you have never experienced it. I've been going through a lot of changes in my life, and for some reason, I cannot focus on writing anything. I have at least six half started (or half finished) blogs just sitting idly in my blogger account. Today, this one will be completed, even if it turns out to be trash.

So back to Amazon's "Look Inside" feature. What if that feature could be used on humans? I'm curious. What if you could open someone up and read straight through? Feelings, mistakes, thoughts and everything about that person would be exposed in dialogue, like a book. If you were given the opportunity, would you?

Flipping to the inside of someone would definitely be interesting. I could use it as a dating tool. I could go to the review section, and read all about the guy. I can see it now, "He screwed me over." "He is a cheating bastard. Stay far away." Or, "He's a sweetheart but the distance tore us apart." How convenient would that be? What if I could go back and read how a person treated their ex on page 32 in their life. It would be a surefire way to tell if someone is lying or not. I speak the honest truth, so sometimes I have false hope in others doing the same. You know all those times, you ask someone a question and know they are leaving something out? If you could look inside and see what they were thinking in that moment, leaving unsaid, would you? Using this as a dating tool, could be disastrous. So much hurt and pain could be exposed. Just thinking about someone hearing my thoughts makes me want to vomit. Even if I didn't use the feature as a dating tool, I could use it to broaden my friendships.

I could certainly connect with close friends on a deeper level. Two of my really good friends, lost their mom very early on in life. Sometimes I speak about my mom before really thinking about how it could effect their feelings. Having friends whose mom's have passed away makes me really appreciate all the time I have with my own mom. If I could go to page 27 and "look inside" to experience their mother's death, or simply a great day with their Mom, I could experience all of their feelings. Everything would be written out for me and i could read the dialogue of a mother and daughter. I could really empathize and understand.

I am always asking frank questions about all of my friend's childhoods. For example, "Did you have a special stuffed animal as a kid?" Or, "Did your mom teach you how to put your make up on when you were younger?" "What is your favorite memory of your brother?" "Was he closer to your mom when she was alive?" Its fascinating to me to hear how others experienced things growing up. It gives me ideas of things to write about and how to formulate characters into fictional stories but it also helps me become closer to my friends. An active listener is so important in life. I am always trying to listen before cutting someone off by speaking. I have a HARD time doing this, because I love to talk and I am so random at times. Using this feature on friends would be amazing. You could choose when to turn it on and off. I would want to turn it on and watch their first kisses. Instead of just hearing a story, I could read both people's feeling that have never been spoken. I would always carry that in my heart.

What if I could sit with my Grandmother on her page 21, as she said goodbye to my Granddad when he left for WWII? Sure, I hear stories but to look inside and be able to capture that moment with my Grandmother's thoughts exposed...I believe there is magic in that. Words are everything to me. There is power in words that stand alone, and there is adventure in words and phrases pieced together with purpose.

My journal, IS the "look inside" feature. All my thoughts, feelings, and opinions on people and life are written with explicit details. Do I always want to "look inside" myself? No. Life changes, and the quickest way to get over something is to not look back. But looking back, carries the magic in every single moment ever experienced. Sometimes, you need to look back. Everyone has the right to reminisce, but I have the upper hand on reminiscing because EVERYTHING is there in the raw. I have my first kiss written down. I have my first hangover and the feeling encompassed with the room spinning. I have my first heart break, and the next heartbreak, and the current heartbreak.

Sometimes, I feel like I am cheating myself because i don't write things down for fear of someone seeing them 30 years from now or 60 years from now when I've passed away. Someone will have to volunteer to burn them all and I'll have to trust that they will not be opened. My journal is like my bible, an anti-anxiety medication and a meditative journey. It's a story of growing up and getting lost and so far, it's my favorite book I've ever read. The coolest part, it only gets better from here.