First Kisses

I still remember my first kiss. Do you remember yours? It doesn't matter where you are or what you are wearing. Honestly, the guy isn't even really the important part. The important thing about first kisses isn't who it's with; its the feelings it evokes. Everything is in that moment right up until your lips first meet. Do you know what I am talking about? I'm going to do my best to try and describe it.

In kisses, whether they are firsts or not, you look into the other persons eyes, and everything else fades away. None of the stress is there. There are no plans. There are no worries. It just happens. You aren't worrying about who is around to see or if your going to be a bad kisser, it just happens. And in that; nothing matters.

Very first kisses are intimidating. My very first kiss was with this guy named J.J, in high school. I claim my first real kiss with my first boyfriend, Adam, because the story is better, but to be honest it happened before then. OK, I'll admit it, this very first kiss was kind of lousy. Why do guys in high school think its attractive to kind of have stubble as facial hair? He wasn't yet old enough to grow a beard, but he was trying, I guess. That stubble sucked.

My first relationship went as follows:
A friend of mine: "Danielle, J.J. thinks you're really cute. You should give him a chance."
Me: "Huh, why? What am I suppose to do?"
Same friend: "Just talk to him"
Me: *Shrugs shoulders* "OK"

So were dating. In high school (for me) this means holding hands in the hallway. This dating period lasted all of two weeks.

J.J: Hey Danielle, do you want to go to the football game with me
Me: No, I'm busy.
J.J. :Hey Danielle, do you want to go to the movies this Friday?
Me: I have to babysit.
J.J: Hey Danielle, do you want to go bowling?
Me: I really don't like bowling.

Eventually, it just fizzled out because I never agreed to go anywhere with him. I only wanted to hold his hand in the hallways. I was a real hit, you could say. I realized that I wasn't really into J.J. I just wanted a boyfriend at the time. I wanted a flower on valentines day and a kiss before class. I wanted someone to hug and someone to understand me. Later down the road, I realized how hard that really is to find. Sure, anyone can hug you, but not everyone understands you.

So, J.J. and I were not meant to be. You win some and lose some I guess. The first kiss I had with him was in the hallway of Providence High School. I had been dodging the act for quite some time because, lets be real, I didn't know what I was suppose to do. Tongue, no tongue? When do you know when to pull away? And if you close your eyes before you kiss how the hell are you suppose to know where their lips are? All these things were running through my head. Where should I put my hands? Is it appropriate kiss etiquette to make noises? And how am I suppose to breathe while all this is going down?

So I was clueless. but it happened one day. He walked me to English class and we were in a stairway just before the classroom. People were walking by but, I reached in to hug him and his mustache stubble tickled my upper lip. Shit he was going in for it. Thoughts were racing...and then he kissed me. It was just a peck, however it made me feel all tingly inside. What is that feeling? OK, for one, I didn't even really like the guy. I was just using him so I could have a boyfriend but it still felt kinda nice. What would this feeling be like with someone I actually cared for? At the time, I had no idea. Its funny how in high school, you think you rule the world when in all actuality you have  so much left to experience and learn. I acted like a real diva in high school.

So I know how to kiss now, but does anyone really know what they're doing when it comes to relationships these days? There is no mathematical equation or formula that adds up to the perfect relationship. So how are we suppose to know if its right? Are we all just kind of wingin' it through life because lately, that's what it feels like.

Who cares, if it doesn't make sense? Who cares if your decision could be wrong or if it will hurt someone in the end? If it feels right in the moment, shouldn't you just go for it? I think so. Anyways... this is how I've been living my life lately. I'm 25. Whoa, that sounds weird, but yeah, I really am. I'm 25, and to be honest with you, I'm tired of doing things and making decisions to please others. I just want to do what I want to do. Where's the harm in that? OK, well its not here yet...it will be, probably, but I'm not going to worry about that right now. I'd rather just commit myself to living in the moment, kissing who I want to kiss, wearing what I want to wear and writing what I want to write.

Why live for anyone else? The important one here is me, right?