This past weekend I went camping with a few friends and had an absolute blast. There is nothing better than laying down looking up at the stars, only to wake up to clouds above you. It was my birthday weekend and my friends really made it special for me. There was one problem...
The downside to this whole camping thing is the squatting aspect of using the bathroom. So, I'm not gonna sugar coat it for you, there was no bathroom on this camping trip. With that being said, understand that I squatted and peed behind trees. Yes, we had toilet paper. Yes, we had hand sanitizer, but let me tell you, its not the easiest thing in the world to pee in the woods, as a girl.
Guys can just stand there, turn their backs and whip it out. Being a girl and having to pee in the woods, requires a bit more complications. 1.) You have to find a secluded location. Its easier to find when in the dark. Sadly, when your in the dark, anything that brushes up against you, scares the shit out of you. I was drinking this weekend, so my liquid courage was up, but let me tell you, anything that brushed against me, I was ready to fight. 2.) We require toilet paper, as females. There is no shake, and tuck it back in. Yeah that doesn't happen. So every time you use the bathroom, you take toilet paper with you and bury the evidence.
At the beginning of the trip I took Pyne or Thomas with me whenever I needed to relieve myself. Those who pee together, stay together, I've always said. Well long story short, Pyne fell asleep and Thomas fell in love with a hammock; so I was on my own.
Everything was going fine until my life almost ended...seriously. I'm lucky to be alive right now. The camping trip was a success and in a couple hours I would be on my way to a shower and fuctional toilet facility. Anyways, it's morning time, and I decided I needed to use the bathroom.
Toilet paper in hand, I found a secluded location to squat, and then it happened. I unbutton my pants and shimmy my underwear and shorts down to around my knees. As I squatted, and pee flew freely, a wasp decided it wanted to join in. WTF. Just imagine it, pant's down and a wasp wants to go for a swim in the puddle below you. Yeah, that's how close this wasp was to my hoohaa. (Is that how you spell it?) Vagina. I don't know. It was so freakin' close to my vagina.
I was about to go into cardiac arrest I was so terrified. So what do you do in that moment? You can't scream. That'll startle it. So, I just tried to pee on it. Wrong. Mistake number 1. That just pissed it off. Instead of sitting there minding its own business, it decided to start buzzing around me because it was mad. I made it mad by trying to drown it in my pee.
All of your defenses are down when your pants are at your ankles by the way. So as I am peeing and the wasp is flying I start trying to waddle away from it, all the while still peeing. Do you know how hard it is the pee and walk without dribbling on your toes? Yeah, definitely goes down in the peeing olympics. I should have a gold medal right now.
Well, the wasp wanted to play, apparently, because as I started this awkward squat waddle, IT FOLLOWED ME. All sorts of obscenities were being shouted at this 6 legged creature, by the way. This is why its important to pick a secluded location so you don't embarrass the shit out of yourself.
Finally, as I finished my business, it flew sort of away. It flew sort of away until I was bringing my shorts back up, and then the little guy wanted to cuddle. "Get out! Get out! Get out," I yelled. Totally freaking out, I finally got away from it.
Whew. Sweat was dripping from my forehead. Never have I ever been so traumatized by something so tiny. So just so you know, peeing in the woods is not as easy as it looks. There are downfalls. I'm a country gal, but never will I ever relieve myself next to a wasp again. I didn't tell anyone about this story, as of yet.
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